I may be Fatigued but I'll always be Fabulous...

M.O.B - 17th Oct

2011-10-17T03:29:00.000-07:00

"Love, compassion and concern for others are the real sources of happiness" - The Dalai Lama

M.O.B - 16th Oct

2011-10-16T11:19:00.000-07:00

"The goal which all the Vedas declare, which all austerities aim at, and which men desire when they lead the life of continence … is Om. This syllable Om is indeed Brahman. Whosoever knows this syllable obtains all that he desires. This is the best support; this is the highest support. Whosoever knows this support is adored in the world of Brahma."
~ Katha Upanishad I

For more info abt 'Om' or 'Aum', check out: hinduism.about.com

M.O.B - 27th June

2011-06-26T16:07:00.000-07:00

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

~ Upanishads

The death of 'I'

2011-06-23T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have been trying so hard - and for so long - to stay strong. But I can't do it any more.

3 days ago I finally gave up my fight against allopathic medication and started Medrol, a Group A corticosteroid for the inflammation of the muscles and nerves. I no longer know why I put myself through the agony of the Lyrica & Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms, if I simply had to start on such strong medication again.

I feel defeated.

In fact, it's like there is no longer an 'I' left to either be strong or feel defeated. There is just pain and fatigue.

And I'll do just about anything to stop it.

At the very least I tried to stick to the hope that with the steroids, the pain would finally get a little bit better; that after 9 long years, my body would get a break from the agonizing misery....but it hasn't. And that may be the most disappointing thing of all.

The constant dizziness - I don't know whether it's the CFS/FM or the medication that's responsible - has been getting worse to the point where even lying in bed I feel the need to constantly hold onto something so I don't fall.

I've never wanted to be that person who's always miserable and complaining. I always told myself that even if I can't help being miserable, I can at least not complain.

But since that 'I' no longer exists, I guess I can finally be weak and break down and cry...

Happy to be me

2011-06-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

I'm finally off Cymbalta & Wellbutrin!

Can't believe I actually did it. The past couple of months have been amongst the worst ever. There were days - weeks even - when I felt like instead of bones and muscles and skin, all I was was a mass of unbelievable pain and a deep, never-ending, all-pervading fatigue. I didn't think I could go through the withdrawal.

But I did!

And I'm so proud of myself! :)

Now just 120mg Lyrica to go....

My new Haircut

2011-04-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Newsletter by Jenni (Chronic Babes)

2011-03-29T12:19:00.000-07:00

Dear fellow ChronicBabes,
(view in your web browser)

Today I want to share with you a short, simple message: Be brave in the face of chronic illness. It’s easy to be overwhelmed by fear or sadness. It’s easy to get confused, or to feel swamped with questions about the unknown—or to be angry about having to live with something you didn’t plan for, or don’t want to face. These feelings can weigh you down, and can fester and turn into fear.

Fear can hold you back. Fear can stop you in your tracks. Fear can keep you from being the truly awesome Babe you are meant to be.

I know this because I’ve let fear stop me before. I can tell you this because I’ve been there myself—I’ve experienced times in my life when fear overwhelmed me and stopped me cold.

But every day, I recommit myself to stand up against my fears and to live an incredible life in spite of chronic illness. And today is really one of those days—a day when I am truly standing tall and meeting my fear face-to-face, looking it square in the eye, saying hello to it, and then walking right on by. Fear is not going to stop me from being an awesome ChronicBabe, no matter how sick I am. I am going to rock this life!

Maybe this fear-fighting idea is old news to you; in that case, let this simply be a gentle reminder from a good friend. On the other hand, maybe this is a fresh idea for you; in that case, I hope you’ll consider printing this email and carrying it in your pocket for a few days, re-reading it each time you feel fear tug at your sleeve. (This is a favorite trick of mine.)

Feel fear? Face it down. Don’t let it stop you. I believe in you! And if you want to talk about your favorite fear-busting techniques, come on over to the Forum and we can have a chat about it. I’ve already started a list there of some of my favorite fear-fighting techniques and I think our Forum members will be posting lots more.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me, friends. Be AWAP… (As. Well. As. Possible.)

XO,

Editrix Jenni

The long and the short of it...

2011-03-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

Since I've been a child, I've been fascinated by long hair....started growing my hair when I was 7 yrs old and never looked back. My hair was as much a part of me as an arm or a leg. that's why it was such a shock to everyone (including me) when I decided to cut it.

A part of me was quite scared about letting go of my 'identity', my 'uniqueness'. What if I didn't look nice any more, what if people didn't recognize me, what if I rly regretted it?

Well, I made the leap around 6 months back and have never been happier. It's made my life so much easier - takes no time to wash or comb, am no longer constantly running out of conditioner, the chronic pain in my neck (due to the weight of the hair) has disappeared, and I love the way I look.

As one friend put it - "earlier, we only saw the hair, now we rly see you"....

Rapunzel, Rapunzel

The 1st cut

Getting ready for the 2nd cut

Short angled bob

The 3nd cut

The final cut

Have a hair cut apptment on the 25th...let's see what I go in for this time....

Of start-ups and hackers

2011-03-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

So here's the deal - if you live in the Silicon valley, the start-up bug WILL catch you. It doesn't matter how much you hide, run, scream or fight it. It doesn't matter how risk-averse or certainty-oriented you think you are. It will find a way to sneak past your defenses, weasel it's way past your doubts and sink it's teeth into you good n proper! And that's what happened to me.

Hubby K has always been an entrepreneur at heart. Since I've known him, all he's wanted is to start his own company. All these years he's had to keep this ambition on a back-burner as he was too busy taking care of me. But, we've decided that the time has finally come. He's quitting his job, we've moved to San Francisco proper and we're starting our own start-up. This is it, folks!

In an effort to educate myself about the strange but exciting world of start-ups I decided to start reading up about it. Did you know that not only do techie-geeks live in their own peculiar universe of networks and virtual reality, but they have their own language too - hackers, angels, runways, cookies....and none of them mean what they would in simple English.

To quote security guru Bruce Schneier, "A hacker is someone who thinks outside the box. It's someone who discards conventional wisdom, and does something else instead. It's someone who looks at the edge and wonders what's beyond...A hacker is someone who experiments with the limitations of systems for intellectual curiosity."

In short, being a hacker is a good thing.

Oooookkkkaaaayyyyyy.

Paul Graham of YCombinator, one of the biggest angel investors of start-ups, explains how they choose who to fund. They fund hackers. Here are their criteria: determination, flexibility, imagination, naughtiness and friendship.

And here's why I think hubby is born to be a hacker: these are exactly the qualities needed to successfully deal with living as a full-time care-taker of a patient for 8 long years. Never giving up - no matter what the odds, changing/improvising plans routinely, dreaming up new ways to make things possible...

Currently we're in the process of applying for funding for our new start-up. I have a hundred examples of why K would be the perfect entrepreneur / hacker to back....just hope the investors see it as clearly as I do.

Image Credit: Labnol

M.O.B. - 18th March

2011-03-18T15:14:00.000-07:00

Just realized that we haven't had our 'Moment of Beauty' post in aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaages, so here's a quote that made me feel positive....

"Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at will change"
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

Opulent Temple white party

2011-03-17T03:31:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a bit of a bummer.

We were supposed to go for this Sacred Dance 'white party' - don't worry if you don't have the foggiest what that means, I don't either - but it sounded particularly conducive to a night of divine dancing and drunken debauchery. But, alas, this was not meant to be...

I was having a pretty bad day, but since when have I decided to listen to my body's signals? Managed to get ready, sit in the car, almost reach the venue, then realized that I had forgotten my ID at home. Turned back, reached the house, picked up the ID...and just didn't feel well enough to go out again!

Dark cloud: was quite disappointed, esp since we had bought tkts in advance and had been looking fwd to an evening out.

Silver lining: got to get all dressed up in white, with glittering silvery make-up, take pics and feel pretty. And don't ever underestimate the value of feeling pretty!!

Ups n downs

2011-03-02T17:40:00.000-08:00

Life is full of ups and downs, they say.

2010 was mostly a down for me - extreme exhaustion, excruciating pain, mind fog, hospitalization, you name it. But that doesn't mean there were no ups. I think I had to reach absolute rock bottom to get out of the 'comfortable' place I had settled into. I had gotten so used to feeling tired and in pain all the time, that it had become 'normal'. But maybe getting worse was the push I needed.

I had been trying to reduce my meds for a while. By end 2009 I had managed to cut out many of the most hated meds - chief amongst them Cymbalta. Cymbalta is approved for dual use against depression and fibromyalgia. But what no one really emphasizes are the side effects. The frequency and severity of side effects listed by the company come nowhere near the real thing. The 'brain fog' caused by Cymbalta got so bad that on some days 2+2 was a confusing equation for me!

Towards end March 2010, my pain had shot up to an unmanageable degree. I was taking 6 to 8 Vicodins daily along with medical marijuana in edible form (extremely potent) as well as some other pain killers.

And still the pain wouldn't go.

I pretty much lived like a zombie for those months - either drugged out of my mind or in unbearable pain. We hadn't gone out in months and K was mostly focusing on managing my pain, besides his job and the home.

Finally came a day when I felt I just couldn't go on like this any more. I no longer felt safe with myself. At this point, K and I went to the emergency room and decided to check me in.

The doctors at Stanford Hospital, nice as they were, were pretty clueless. They started me on Lyrica as it's the only other drug approved for Fibromyalgia. It wasn't particularly effective, so they kept upping the dosage till we reached 400mg/day (100mg more than FDA approved 'safe' dosage). Eventually, they added 60 mg of cymbalta and sent me home with more drugs and little relief.

One of the particularly nasty side effects of Lyrica was that entire episode of events would vanish from my memory. On one of my better days, we went to the mall for some much needed retail therapy and I bought a couple of nice skirts. The next day I had absolutely no recollection of the trip or of my purchases.

Days passed in a daze. And yet, there was no relief from pain or any signs of recovery.

The doctors had no answers as to when/how to get off these drugs, but would usually give a referral to a different clinic. We did make few trips to the Stanford pain clinic but soon realized it was just more of the same. They referred us to 3 other clinics and usually the referrals never went through or required multiple calls, and we had to wait for weeks while the hospital figured out the insurance details.

Initially I was mad at the doctors for not doing something different, for not giving me a long term solution, for not trying harder to help me. The side effects of the drugs (confusion, brain fog, memory loss, dizziness etc) were probably worse than the illness itself. My mother had to fly down from India to help care for me since there was no way hubby K could manage everything by himself - either physically or emotionally.

Around mid-2010 I finally decided to try something different.

The roller coaster of pain had been tough emotionally, so I went to the best therapist/psychiatrist I could find - Dr. Matt May. He wasn't covered by our insurance and I was worried about the cost, but I don't think we could have made a better investment. Years of brain fog had pretty much warped my self image. Dr. May helped me appreciate myself again. And with his help, down we went on the meds again.

At the same time, K had read an article about how a chiropractor had cured someone of severe chronic pain. We decided to give chiropractic a try. Dr. Matt Coleman was like an angel from the heavens above :) Within a month my pain was down from the acute sharp shooting pain to a much lower-grade dull ache. I was able to cut vicodin to a large degree but not completely. More importantly, he taught me the importance of nutrition. We all try to eat right - at least we like to think we do - but it's shocking how little we actually know about what goes into our mouths. Best advice I can give you - read Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon. I can honestly say this book changed my life. I gave up sugar, tea, coffee, started checking the ingredients of everything that went into my tummy, eating only organic etc etc. He helped my figure out that I was severely allergic to corn and tomatoes.

Within a few months I started feeling stronger from inside. It was like my organs were recovering from all the stress they had been under with the strong medication and wrong foods. I lost weight (over 40 lbs) looked better and felt better than ever. K also lost about the same amount of weight just eating right with me.

I'm not trying to suggest that I was miraculously cured, but it was definitely a start. By September I was feeling strong enough to travel and decided to go to India to try acupuncture again. Unfortunately acupuncture wasn't able to help - despite daily sessions for about 3 months. But then I tried something new - the Kottakal Arya Vaidya Sala - an ayurvedic hospital in India. It was two weeks of in-patient treatment and daily massages with medicated oils. I came back feeling and looking like a different person.

I'm now back in San Francisco along with my ayurvedic meds from the Vaidya Sala, and am on the roller coaster of getting off my allopathic meds again. I'm doing pretty well - Cymbalta is down from 60mg to 10mg, Lyrica from 400mg to 150mg and Wellbutrin from 300mg to 75mg. But the withdrawal is pretty tough. I'm hoping to be totally allopathic medicine free by August 2011.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

A weird and wonderful day

2010-03-10T17:26:00.000-08:00

Today is the strangest day ever!

It's hubby's (K) b'day today.

No, that's not what's strange....be patient folks...

Anyway, as I said, it is K's b'day. So, of course, I was planning the usual cake, champagne etc. But yesterday K asked me a strange question. "Do you want to give me a birthday present that would rly mean the most to me?"

Of course, I said.

"Then, just for one day, see yourself with my eyes. Love yourself the way I love you. Treat yourself the way you know I would like you to. If you want to do something, think about whether you're rly doing it for me or for yourself. Pls don't clean the house. Think of how that would drain your energy, so you won't even be able to talk to me in the evening. You don't need to dress up and get tired. I'd rather see you laughing in pajamas. My ideal birthday present would be to see you lively and energetic, even if the house is dirty and there's no cake and you couldn't plan a party. " (or something like that).

Heavy, eh? Yeah, I mean who would be ok with no cake on their b'day??!!!

Ok srsly, I decided that if that's what he wanted, then that's what he'd get. After all he was the b'day boy (errr....man?)

And today has been the wierdest most wonderful day ever! I feel like I'm on vacation. I want to wash my hair so it looks nice for tonight, but I know it'll tire me. Normally I would have managed to convince myself that washing my hair wasn't optional, it was obligatory. And that somehow, I could summon up enough energy to do it.

But looking at it with K's eyes? Now that was a whole different ball game. He would say - Conserve your energy. Save it for when we're together. I don't care if your hair isn't washed, you're always beautiful to me (ok, so I put in the last part myself, but I know he would have said it!)

And so the decision has been made!

No hair washing today!
(for those of you who are wondering what the big deal abt washing hair, see photo!)

I used this technique on everything today. And it was fantastic. So I began to wonder why it made the difference it did, and I came up with the following:

1. I usually decide that everyone's wants/desires are the same as mine. I often try to tidy the house before K returns from office. But I realized that I do that because I would like to come back to a clean home. If he had to choose, he would choose an energetic wife over a clean house any day! So I'm rly doing sit for myself - I can't pretend it's for him.

2. I am not realistic about my energy levels. I can easily convince myself that I can do anything with "just a bit more effort", until I reach the point where I'm bedridden. Looking at it through K's eyes, made me think - If he were here would he like me to use my limited energy on this task? And, I realize that it's ok to stop because I'm tired. It's ok to listen to my body.

3. Obviously that demands the question - why can I stop when K thinks I should, but not do it for myself? Guilt. Yup, that's it the culprit - guilt! To myself, I'm 'lazy' if I don't do something that needs to be done. To K, I'm genuinely tired - something that I'm not willing to accept.

It's odd that I've had CFS/fibro for almost 8 years, but I still haven't learned energy management. (Hriday, I know that this is just asking for it, so go ahead...). But better late than never I always say!

Stay tuned for whether I am able to incorporate these changes into my daily habits....

Are you listening God? It's me....

2010-02-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

I'm soooooooo happy, I can hardly stop smiling.

I had such a wonderful time today. Didn't do much - just went to a friends place, chatted, played Pictionary. In other words, had a 'normal' evening.

Guess someone up there is reading my blog too :-D

Breathe again...

2010-02-07T00:09:00.000-08:00

Here's a pretty good article by Dr. Bruce Cambell on his life with CFS/fibro...

ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia: Rebuilding Life in the Face of Loss

Just another day...

2010-02-06T23:46:00.000-08:00

The past few months have been exceptionally bad in terms of pain. I recently got off a medicine that was controlling pain pretty well, but had other unwanted effects. Since doing anything - even sitting in the car to go out - exacerbates the pains, I've been forced to become a bit more of a homebody that I would ideally have liked to be.
This morning, as I was playing Scrabble, hubby walked by chatting with a friend on speaker-phone. She was telling him her plans for the day. She had lunch with a friend, after which she'd drop her dog off at our place so he could have a play date with Lola, sit with us for a bit, then go to a comedy club, followed by a bar/pub/club. The next morning she had to be up early for a Superbowl party at her place. She made it sound so easy. So normal. Then I realized - it is normal. For most people.

I'm waiting for the day when it'll be normal for me too.

For my friends...

2010-01-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

I've been cancelling a lot on my friends lately. And I know that while they try to understand, sometimes it can be difficult.

So here's a list of what friends/family of CFS/FM patients should know:

1. I will cancel. Despite all my best intentions, there will always be times when I will cancel at the last minute. I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, I usually cancel only after I have tried all alternatives like coffee, rest and energy drinks and they haven't helped.

2. I will be late. I usually need to start getting ready at least 4 hrs before I go out. I need to rest after taking a shower, again after combing my hair, putting on make-up, or getting dressed. I hate being late, but it's often impossible for me to correctly gauge how much time / rest I'll need.

3. I will not understand. I get terrible brain fog. Sometimes I just won't understand what you're saying, however simple. I simply have to wait for my brain to clear - I'm not being deliberately obtuse or difficult.

4. I will forget. You may tell me something 5 times and I may still forget that you told me. With the brain fog, it can be very difficult to simply understand what's going on around me, much less remember stuff.

5. I may not be able to help. I love to help my friends in any way I can, but sometimes this is just not possible. Again, not being selfish or thoughtless, just can't do it.

6. You may not hear from me. Sometimes weeks, even months, go by and I don't call/email friends. I do think of you, it's just that talking on the phone or even spending time on the computer can be exhausting. Pls do call / mail me sometimes, even if it feels like you're always taking the initiative. It rly means a lot to me.

7. I appreciate your support. Even simple things like knowing that you will understand if I cancel go a long way in helping me. Sometimes I may need your help, other times just knowing that I have friends who truly care abt me can make me feel better.

I know it's not always easy being my friend, but I truly hope that you will still think it's worth it. I hope this helps you understand me a little bit better.

If there's anything else that CFS/fibro patients or friends / family of patients would like to add, your comments would be welcome.

A beautiful day

2010-01-17T16:04:00.000-08:00

I did a load of laundry today! All the way from putting the clothes in the washing machine to folding them neatly after they were dry.

It's ridiculous how much joy it gives me to be able to say this.

The past few months have been a haze of fatigue and pain. I have been doing things - my parents have com to visit, I took a trip to Florida - but there was always the constant underlying pain and discomfort, just beneath the surface, just beyond my reach. I haven't driven a car for over 6 months or been able to do groceries for something like a year.

But today, my mind is clear and body is (almost) pain-free. I feel like a captive animal that has been released back into the forests.

And I'm going to celebrate!

I can't believe how many things there are that I can do. I can go to the mall, I can go buy food for Lola, I can see a movie without getting exhausted, I can visit a friend, go for a walk....I can't choose!

But I think the thing that gives me most joy is that I can be self reliant. If I'm thirsty, I can go to the kitchen myself to get a glass of water. If I'm cold I can get myself a blanket. For the past few months, my husband has been giving me breakfast in bed. After that he makes my lunch and keeps it in the microwave, walks & feeds Lola, and then goes to work. If I am able to stand up by afternoon, I heat my lunch, eat and go back to sleep. If I can't, my husband comes home from work to feed me and take Lola out. He then goes back to work. In the evening I usually wake up just before he comes home. He fixes me a snack, feeds Lola takes her for a walk, makes dinner, finishes office work and finally collapses a night.

I know that all this is not my fault, but I still feel terrible. Just the fact that I was able to take on a bit of the load by doing the laundry gave me an incredible amount of happiness.

I'm off now to make myself a cup of coffee, and after that...I'm going to live life.

A taste of freedom...

2009-11-17T20:27:00.000-08:00

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who are truly grateful for any glimpse of light in the darkness. And those who forget the wonder of the moment almost before it's over. Unfortunately I definitely fall into the latter category. Once I catch a glimpse of life as it 'ought to be' or 'should have been', the discontent of life 'as it is' rises almost immediately.

Monday was a fabulous day for me. After months of worsening fatigue and pains, suddenly, I was rewarded with one of those 'miracle days'. I woke up fresh in the morning for a doctor's apptment, had to walk quite a lot in the hospital but didn't get knocked out, did two loads of laundry, watched TV, played word games on the computer, tidied the kitchen cabinets, served myself lunch and set up the living room.

I know that to most healthy people this may not sound like much work for an entire day, but any of us who have had contact with illnesses like CFS/FM, can recognize what a momentous day it was in my life. And maybe that's why I was so scared to end the day. What if, while I slept, the magic wore off? What if I collapsed again tomorrow?

It's difficult to not think like this. It's difficult to stop myself from doing all that I can, simply because I can in fact do it (making any sense?). You would think that after so many years of struggling with the issue I would have learnt the importance of resting even when I'm not tired. But whenever I do get a 'normal' day, this is still almost impossible for me.

The excitement of having a good day wouldn't let me sleep all of Monday night. Finally fell asleep at abt 6:30a.m. the next morning and am, surprise, surprise, now back to spending the whole day in bed.

Moral of the story - Take each day as it comes and learn to recognize/appreciate the precious moments in life.

And, as of today, that's precisely what I'm going to do!

My disabling chronic illness is more real than your imaginary medical expertise!

2009-11-17T20:02:00.000-08:00

Funny gifts for someone with a chronic illness...check it out...made me laugh:

http://www.chronic-illness.org/cfs_t_shirts_gift_ideas.html

It's been a long 3 months

2009-11-12T02:44:00.000-08:00

It's 1:29 a.m. I am siting in bed with a heating pad, under 3 comforters, sipping Theraflu in much the same manner that a connoisseur may enjoy a fine vintage wine. My husband is snoring (rather loudly - I can easily hear him through my industrial strength earplugs!) on my left. On my right is Lola, looking none too pleased that I've disturbed her beauty sleep by switching on my bedside lamp.

The last few months have been exciting but exhausting. My sister-in -law J. has been staying with us for the past 4 months as she prepared to take the American National Board of Dentistry Exams. For the past 3 weeks, my parents have been visiting us from India. We've also moved house, visited Seattle and Mt. Rainier, and done a family trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon. As I said, exhilerating, but so exhausting.

During this time I've gone through many ups and many downs. Sometimes, the fatigue got too much for me. And I would feel trapped. Frustrated. Imprisoned in my own body. My soul yearned to soar, but instead I would wave goodbye from the hotel room as everyone else went for a hike or to the casinos. And I would wonder what I had done to deserve this.

But each time this happens, I now take myself back to my trip to the Mt Rainier National Park. When we went to visit Seattle, Mt Rainier wasn't even on our 'places to visit' list. My husband almost had to drag me there. And now, I thank him for it everyday. Memories of Rainier have become my own personal place of peace.

I don't think I can ever explain the overwhelming sense of peace and 'rightness' that I felt sitting in those mountains surrounded by trees and brooks, no soul or sign of civilization in sight. Just a magnificent snow covered active volcano forming a glorious backdrop to an endless panorama of hills covered with green trees. In that moment, all my concerns and worries and stresses just disappeared. All that mattered was the nature around me and the contentment within me.

Rainier changed me in a fundamental way. Now, when things threaten to overwhelm me, I just transport myself back to those hills, overlooking a vista of pine trees and lakes, and nothing seems important any more in face of such majestic natural beauty.

For the first time in my life, I didn't care about work or studies, diamonds or cashmere. All I needed was a pair of jeans and the people I love around me. And even though I couldn't do the 15 mile hike that I would have loved to do, the rangers helped me find a hike that was 1/10th of a mile and being able to complete this gave me more joy than you can possibly imagine.

I think that all of us, especially those of us struggling like a condition with CFS/FM have to find our own personal Rainier. A place which is always inviting, where we can be ourselves and lose all the accumulated despair and frustration. A places that renews and re-energizes us. A place that makes us thankful for all the things - big and small- that we already have in our lives and perhaps do't give enough importance to.

I hope those of you that follow this blog have already found such a place (I would love to hear abt these), and I strongly urge the rest of you to find your Rainier. It will give you more joy than you can imagine!

Pls vote for Sue

2009-11-12T02:25:00.001-08:00

Sue has been a wonderful voice on the web for those of us suffering form invisible illnesses like CFS/ FM. Her posts are insightful, humorous and helpful. Pls do take a moment to vote for her.

for
Sue J.

http://www.livewithcfs.blogspot.com/

Chronic fatigue syndrome linked to 'cancer virus'

2009-11-12T01:54:00.000-08:00

Chronic fatigue syndrome linked to 'cancer virus'

19:00 08 October 2009 by Ewen Callaway in cbsnews.com

Chronic fatigue syndrome, the debilitating condition once dismissed as "yuppie flu", has been linked to a virus that is also common in people with a certain type of prostate cancer.

It's still not clear if the virus, called XMRV, causes chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS), or is just more common in people with the disorder. But the discovery is sure to reignite the debate over whether CFS is fundamentally a psychological condition or a physiological one.

"It's a contentious area that lies somewhere between medicine and psychiatry," says Simon Wessely, a psychiatrist at King's College London who has been vilified by patient groups for his scepticism of cut-and-dried explanations for CFS and his assertion that psychological factors may play an important role.

CFS is characterised by cramps, sleeplessness, weakness and headaches. It affects more than a million Americans and a quarter of a million Britons, yet its cause remains elusive.

Virus clues

Previously a number of viruses, including herpesviruses, enteroviruses and Epstein-Barr virus – which also causes glandular fever, or mononucleosis – have been suggested as triggers for CFS. But these have only been found in a small minority of people with the disorder.

A team led by Judy Mikovits at the Whittemore Peterson Institute in Reno, Nevada, decided to investigate whether XMRV (or xenotropic murine leukaemia virus-related virus, to give it its full name) might be linked to CFS after the virus was reported in 2006 to be present in the tumour tissue of patients with a hereditary form of prostate cancer.

It is still not clear what effect the virus has on people. But the fact that this type of prostate cancer and CFS have both been linked to changes in the same antiviral enzyme led Mikovits to wonder whether XMRV could playing a role in CFS too.

Sensitive test

When her team analysed blood taken from 101 CFS patients, 68, or two thirds, tested positive for XMRV genes, compared with just eight out of 218 healthy controls. The next step will be working out whether XMRV causes CFS or just grows particularly well in people who have it.

Mikovits suspects that XMRV causes CFS. She says her team has found antibodies against XMRV in 95 per cent of the nearly 300 patients they have tested, but these results have yet to published in a journal. Antibodies are a more sensitive test than looking for viral genes, as they pick up people who have had XMRV in the past, not just those who still have it.

What's more, some characteristics of the virus match up with the syndrome's symptoms, she says. Viruses related to XMRV can cause blood vessels around the body to leak, a common symptom of CFS. Mikovits also notes that in mice, a protein that coats the shell of the virus causes the animals' nerves to degenerate. A class of immune cells called natural killer cells, which are thought to go wrong in CFS, are known to be susceptible to infection by the virus.

"XMRV infection of [natural killer] cells may affect their function," says Jonathan Kerr, a researcher at St George's, University of London, who was not involved in the study. "This does fit." He adds, however, that "an independent study to confirm these findings is very much needed".

Childhood trauma

That sentiment is echoed by John Coffin, a virologist at Tufts University in Boston. "This looks like a very, very interesting start," he says. "It's not impossible that this could cause a disease with neurological and immunological consequences, but we don't know for sure."

Wessely points out, however, that XMRV fails to account for the wide variety of other factors associated with the CFS, including childhood trauma and other infections such as viral meningitis. "Any model that is going to be satisfactory has to explain everything, not just little bits," he says.

If XMRV does turn out to contribute to CFS, this could point to new treatments. In the UK, patients are prescribed exercise and cognitive therapy, which seems to work for some patients, but not for most. Such failings underscore the need for therapies that go after the root cause of chronic fatigue syndrome – whatever it turns out to be.

Journal reference: Science, DOI: 10.1126/science.1179052

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

2009-09-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

30 Things About My Invisible Illnes s You May Not Know (http://invisibleillnessweek.com)

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) & Fibromyalgia (FM)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2002

3. But I had symptoms since: 2001

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: I can no longer do the things I love - dancing, swimming, running, anything that requires energy

5. Most people assume: It's all in my head

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Never feeling well rested or refreshed

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Gray's Anatomy

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My laptop. It's my link to the outside world.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Lying awake for hours...not being able to sleep because of the pain.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: 11 (which is less than most people with CFS/FM)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried homeopathy, naturopathy, acupuncture, pranic healing, yunani - none of these have worked. I have found that yoga helps if ptacticed regularly.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible. At least people would be able to see that I'm not making it all up.

13. Regarding working and career: Had to give up in 2002 because of my illness.

14. People would be surprised to know: I have been exhausted for 7 yrs. And in pain almost all the time. I try not to make a big deal about it, but it is a huge deal to me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That I (or anyone else) don't understand my illness. I don't know whether a cause or cure will ever be found for it.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: get my yoga teaching certificate

17. The commercials about my illness: Have just started. I'm glad people are beginning to recognize fibromyalgia as an illness. Unfortunately still nothing about CFS.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Running. Dancing. Working. Studying. Being self-reliant.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: my life as it was.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Gardening (well, I just started 2 days ago)

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go sky diving followed by dancing all night.

22. My illness has taught me: the importance of being healthy.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Snap out of it (well, duh, thanks...that never occurred to me for 7 years). If you can't say anything helpful, pls don't say anything.

24. But I love it when people: people help me in the most unexpected ways.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "This body is perishable, consciousness is of a nature to dissolve, and all objects of clinging are impermanent, suffering and subject to change." The body is only a temporary vehicle. It is my soul that will continue. And my soul is only a part of the Universal consciousness. So why despair for the body?

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Learn to listen to your body. Rest before you get tired. Don't compare yourself - not to anyone else and not to yourself before you got ill.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: Millions of dollars (& pounds) are being spent on researching CFS, over 1 million Americans suffer from it, yet we are nowhere close to discovering what it is or to finding a cure.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want people to recognise that an invisible illness can be as debilitating as a visible one.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy, that you cared enough to read it.

M.O.B. - Aug 14th

2009-08-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

M.O.B. - Aug 13th

2009-08-13T13:02:00.000-07:00

Here are some more pics of Zaara:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=136430&id=572157728

Do dogs lie?

2009-08-10T18:50:00.001-07:00

Fist of all, thanks for your good wishes everyone...I'm feeling MUCH better today! Yaaaaaaaay!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other day, I had a very interesting experience with Lola. It was a really warm afernoon and I decided to take

Lola to the front of our building to hose her down. Lola looked at me put on the yellow shorts (the ones reserved for bathing the doggie), take her towel and shampoo, and wear my rubber slippers. She knew what was coming and she was not a happy dog.

Anyway, off we went with Lola on the leash. At once, she started to sniff frantically in the grass and walk in the opposite direction. It seemed like she had some urgent business to attend to, so I followed her. In a little while, I noticed her looking at me from the corner of

her eye. When she realised I was looking at her, she quickly bent her head down and pretended to sniff deeply while leading me further away from the hose. This happened a couple of times before I caught on - my darling dog was trying to fool me!

She had realised that fighting or begging wouldn't stop the bath, so she was now trying her hand (paw?) at deception!

Here's an interesting article which says that dogs are as intelligent as 2 yr old children: http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090810/hl_hsn/dogsand2yearoldsonsamementalplane

Do let us know if you've had any such experiences!

Choices...

2009-08-09T12:07:00.000-07:00

I do have a choice.

I can stay home, make sure I eat on time, get enough rest, and pray that I remain well (still no guarantees there).

Or I can go to a friends place, out dancing or to play pool, and almost certainly be bedridden with terrible muscle pains and excruciating fatigue for the following week or so.

It's not much of a choice, but still...

I was feeling so much better when I got back from India that my husband and I planned a 5-day vacation in Los cabos, Mexico. The place was gorgeous, the people were fun, the resort was exquisite, and I was sicker than I've ever been in my life.

I tried so hard to be 'good'. I rested when my husband was out playing beach volleyball. I ate every 2 hrs to keep up my strength. I made sure I got enough sleep. Still, by the time we had to fly back to San Francisco, I was so ill that, for the first time in my life, I had to ask for a wheelchair at the airport.

I always knew that a wheelchair is a good idea for me when there are long distances to walk, but I could never get myself to go in one. It may be physically more comfortable, but emotionally and psychologically I felt it would be too difficult for me. I couldn't bear the idea of having to rely on a wheelchair at 30. It would be like the final step to giving in to CFS.

But last month, I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand, speak or even think. The fatigue was unbearable. So, when my husband asked for a wheelchair, I sat in it.

I think it was almost as difficult for my husband to see me in the wheelchair as it was for me to be in one. I could see how close to tears he was as he pushed my chair.

The airport staff was incredibly nice and helpful. But when one of them wanted to get me a doctor I tried to explain CFS to him. The surprise on his face when I told him that a doctor couldn't help, that no one knew what was happening to me or that I couldn't know when I'd suddenly collapse again, made me realize again what a strange illness we live with.

I have gotten used to CFS. At least I thought I had. Almost everyone who knows me now understands the illness somewhat, but it's when I try to explain the condition to someone new, that the true horror of CFS dawns me.

I'm tired of being tired. Of having swollen eyes and and an exhausted smile in every photo. Of the uncertainty. And most of all, I'm tired of not being able to be independent.

I wonder when it'll all be ok again.

Crop Circles

2009-06-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Was it aliens? A huge gov't cover-up? Supernatural forces? Here's the actual story behind the mysterious crop circles :)

Stoned wallabies make crop circles

Thu Jun 25, 1:30 pm ET

SYDNEY (Reuters) – The mystery of crop circles in poppy fields in Australia's southern island state of Tasmania has been solved -- stoned wallabies are eating the poppy heads and hopping around in circles.

"We have a problem with wallabies entering poppy fields, getting as high as a kite and going around in circles," the state's top lawmaker Lara Giddings told local media on Thursday.

"Then they crash. We see crop circles in the poppy industry from wallabies that are high," she said.

Many people believe crop circles that mysteriously appear in fields around the world are created by aliens.

Poppy producer Tasmanian Alkaloids said livestock which ate the poppies were known to "act weird" -- including deer and sheep in the state's highlands.

"There have been many stories about sheep that have eaten some of the poppies after harvesting and they all walk around in circles," said field operations manager Rick Rockliff.

Australia produces about 50 percent of the world's raw material for morphine and related opiates.

(Reporting by Michael Perry; Editing by Sanjeev Miglani)

'Up was...' - Update

2009-06-25T12:13:00.000-07:00

Jozephine said...: I think Carl Jung had a lot to say about the symbolism in fairy tales. The one you most identify with is the one to explore. For me it is the Little Mermaid. As a child I found this story hard to bear. She had to give up her voice to find her Love and every step she took was like walking on knives. It still gives me a frisson of pain even thinking about it.

Is it good to be back?; June 19, 2009 2:00 AM
: It's great to be back :)

yeah, i have read abt the symbolism in fairy tales, but i have to wonder how much of this a child would understand.

I believe nursery rhymes were also used with political motivation - an easy way to spread a msg through an innocuous looking medium. 'Baa baa black sheep' for instance was a critique of the wool tax of 1275 in Great Britain, with the 'Master' being Plantagenet King Edward I, the 'Dame' referring to the nobility and the 'little boy' of course being the common man.

I have nothing against the use of rhymes or symbols to propagate political msgs, but I wonder why we persist in teaching these to our children even today.

Looking at 'the Little Mermaid' which, like Jo, I still can't bear to read, it is symbolic of the the plight of the 'sacred feminine'. She is considered an allegory for Mary Magdalene, the 'lost bride' of Jesus Christ'. Again, rly depressing stuff, and far beyond what a kid would or should understand.

For anyone who's interested, a couple of good links on symbolism in 'The Little Mermaid':
- http://www.the-little-mermaid.com/symbolism.php
- http://ramon_k_jusino.tripod.com/littlemermaid.html

Up was such a downer

2009-06-16T10:34:00.000-07:00

I'm back!

From where you ask? Haven't you been following? I'm back to the SF Bay Area after spending 3 months in India. Am slowly getting over the jet lag and back on to the social circuit.

On Sunday some friends & I went to see the much hyped animation 'Up' by Disney. Good story? Great graphics? Awesome movie? Sure. Buy why did it have to be so sad? The 3 other women I was with, all openly admitted to crying through the movie. The 2 guys were a bit more reticent, but did say that the movie was very sad. I mean, why did Ellie have to die? Why couldn't both the old people go for the adventure together? And, even if she did die, why keep reminding us of that by repeatedly showing her adventure book or her photo or her fave chair?!

This makes me wonder - why are kids movies, fairy tales, nursery rhymes always so violent, evil or depressing? Let's consider some all time favorites. Cinderella - evil step mom/sisters make her their slave. Rapunzel - locked up all alone in a high tower. Snow White - actually poisoned by her step-mother. And most scary of all - Hansel & Gretel - the evil witch tries to shove them in the oven and roast them alive. Could we get more gruesome than that?

And then there are the really sad stories. One of my earliest memories is of crying over the nursery rhyme 'Old Mother Hubbard'. For those of you who can't remember it, mother Hubbard's cupboard is bare, so she can't find a bone for her dog. I lay awake nights worrying about the poor hungry dog (somehow, it didn't seem to bother me much that presumably mom Hubbard was also going hungry).

Oh, and let's not forget the little Match Girl who dies of hunger and cold looking into houses where people are warm and well fed. Or the poor little Mermaid who sacrifices her identity as a mermaid for legs only to discover that the Prince doesn't love her after all. I could go on and on. At least Cinderella et al had happy endings!

So why is it that we feel it's ok to tell our children these nursery rhymes and put them to sleep by reading a favorite fairy tale (probably guaranteed to give them nightmares)? Maybe I was a particularly sensitive kid, and these things bothered me more than they did other children. Sometimes kids don't fully understand a situation. But surely, as adults, we shouldn't be allowing, or rather encouraging them to hear or see such stories and consider them perfectly acceptable.

One of the few kids' movies I've really enjoyed (and not cried through) has been 'Finding Nemo', but again, I wonder why the mother had to die...couldn't she just have sat in her nice fishy home and worried while daddy went and found Nemo?

I think if I want a nice happy story to read to my kids (as and when I have kids) I will simply have to go out there and write one myself!

Introduce yourself - Update!

2009-05-29T03:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not gonna share any more of my tremendous insights into the meaning of life until you guys start introducing yourselves. So there!

But srsly, folks, come on...

Introduce yourselves!

2009-05-26T06:22:00.000-07:00

I'm going to borrow a page from Darragh's book (or in this case blog) and ask all followers & viewers of this blog to introduce yourselves. Feel free to write as much (or a little) as you like. Hopefully we'll all get to know each other a bit better :)

M.O.B. - May 25th

2009-05-25T08:20:00.000-07:00

Who makes much of a miracle?
As to me, I know of nothing else but miracles...
To me, every hour of the light and dark is a miracle,
Every cubic inch of space is a miracle,
Every square yard of the surface of the Earth is spread with the same;
Every spear of grass - the frames, limbs, organs of men and women and all that concern them,
All these to me are unspeakably perfect miracles.

- Walt Whitman

M.O.B. - May 19th

2009-05-20T01:33:00.000-07:00

Today's Moment of Beauty is my 14 week old puppy, Zaara....doesn't just looking at her make you smile?

M.O.B. - May 16th

2009-05-17T03:56:00.000-07:00

I've been neglecting my Moment of Beauty posts lately. But the fault is not entirely mine. The 44 degrees Celsius (112 degrees Fahrenheit) temperature in Delhi is not particularly conducive to my roaming the outdoors with nothing but a camera in my hand and a dream in my heart.

As a result, I have decided to adapt my definition of 'Moment of Beauty' somewhat. The M.O.B.s will now include Words and Descriptions.

So, let's hear it for our very first non-visual M.O.B.:

"Grant yourself a moment of peace, and you will understand
how foolishly you have scurried about.
Learn to be silent, and you will notice that
you have talked too much.
Be kind, and you will realize
that your judgment of others was too severe.
Hasten slowly,
and you will soon arrive."

- Chinese proverb
(taken from 'Buddha is as Buddha Does' by Lama Surya Das)

Every cloud has a silver lining?

2009-04-30T20:43:00.000-07:00

I have never been a particularly religious person. Born a Sikh, I have gone to Gurudwaras with my family. As a student in England, I attended chapel twice a week with the rest of the school. And, India being a predominantly Hindu country, I have participated in pujas and prayer ceremonies in the mandir (Hindu temple). I did not dislike these experiences, but none of them inspired in me any sort of religious fervor.

Lately, however, I find myself being drawn towards spirituality. By spirituality I am not speaking of organized religion, but of an awareness of the self and of the soul/spirit/divinity/faith that lies within us all. I don't have the correct words...perhaps what I am speaking of can be best described as a search for our true selves.

I think I can trace this slow journey towards 'spirituality' to when I first started yoga for my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Before CFS, I was a classic type-A personlity. A typical day went something like this - wake up at 5, go to the gym for an hour, work from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. (good ol' dot com era), go clubbing after work, and start the whole cycle again the next morning. Any wonder my body decided to give up?

No one is sure about what causes CFS. But I believe that stress has a lot to do with it. Both physical and, especially, mental stress. When, after I got CFS, I was forced to slow down, it was as though my entire world had collapsed. And the stress of not being able to do anything about it made the fatigue worse until I was bedridden.

Yoga helped me recognize the importance of relaxation for perhaps the first time in my life. As I continued with yoga, I started feeling a little better. But, brought up in the 'science' culture, I was reluctant to accept that a "mystical" concept like yoga could actually be helping me. Where, I demanded, was the proof?

I started studying yoga more seriously and soon realized that yoga is an extremely scientific practice. Yet it's spiritual aspects can't be ignored. And so I started reading more - what is spirituality? Is there a God? If so, why does S/He allow suffering? The usual questions. I can't say I've discovered the answers, but I'm actually grateful to the CFS for having made me slow down enough to ask the questions.

I recently read a wonderful book - 'Autobiography of a Yogi' by Pramhansa Yogananda. I'm not going to go into the details of the book, but I can honestly say that it's one of the very few books that has changed the way I think. I would sincerely recommend this book to anyone interested in question like - 'are there miracles?', 'does astrology really work?', 'do we have a predetermined destiny?'.

At first the book may seem a bit too fantastic, but if you continue, it becomes a fascinating read.

Another subject I've been reading more about is Buddhism. What I especially like about Buddhist teachings are that they are more a way of life than a religion. Anyone, from any religious background can practice basic Boddhisatva virtues like compassion, generosity, patience, non-violence and truthfulness. For an easy-to-understand, modern yet thought-provoking read on the basics of Buddhism, I suggest 'Awakening the Buddha Within' and 'Buddha Is as Buddha Does' - both by American born Buddist teacher Lama Surya Das.

I know that this post has been a bit more serious than usual, but I'm in an introspective mood. Also, doing yoga, reading book on spirituality and learning to accept things gracefully are really helping me cope better with my illness. I can focus on everything that's good in my life, not on all that I can't do. But best of all, I have (mostly) accepted CFS as a teacher, and not as my enemy.

Travelling divas

2009-04-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

A very dear friend of mine - Smita - has just started a new travel company for women from India who want to see the world.

Her travel packages are exclusively for women, safe, easy on the pocket, and bound to be great fun! She is currently offering 2 packages - to Bali & to Malaysia.

Do check out her website: http://www.travellingdivas.in/

...and let all your friends know abt it too!

Thanks! :)

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

2009-04-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened since I was last on my blog...some good, some not so good and, some, let's just face it...ugly!

One of the saddest things this trip was the death of my 11 yr old German Shepherd Dog - Roxy. Roxy had been living with my parents in India, but I was the one who had first brought her home when she was a puppy, slept with her on the floor for those first few days so she wouldn't feel lonely, and shared my pillow with her when she got older.

I have been in the US for 7 of Roxy's 11 years. Yet, every time I came home, Roxy behaved like I had never gone away. When I was away, she slept with my parents in their room, but from the day I returned, she ignored everyone else and followed me everywhere. In fact, when my husband & I came to stay with my parents for a couple of days immediately after our wedding, Roxy insisted on sleeping between us, cuddled up with me.

I could go on about Roxy, but I can feel the tears welling up. So all I'll say is - I love you Roxy, Rest in Peace.

OK, onto happier news! I have now got the naughtiest, craziest, loveliest little black lab pup for my parents in Delhi. She was a present from my in-laws when they saw how upset I was at Roxy's death. We've named her Zaara, and Zaara who is all of 10 weeks old, is busy terrorizing the household as I write this. All I can hear are screams and shrieks of "No! No! NO! ZAAAAARAAAAAAA!". She rly is a li'l devil! But more abt Zaara in another post (I will also post her pics when I can).

Other than trying to train Zaara, I've been pretty busy getting acupuncture treatments done. I've being going to Dr. Raman Kapur in Delhi. He had helped lot with my migraines a couple of years ago, so I'm really hoping he can do something abt the chronic fatigue. I'll let you know how it works out.

I'm also back to doing yoga regularly, along with eating lots of healthy fruits and freshly cooked veggies (SO much easier in India where there is domestic help than in the US - esp on days when health is bad). Overall, I am feeling a little better, but I don't know whether it's the acupuncture/yoga or simply the rest and pampering I've been getting in India.

Home is where the heart is

2009-02-27T19:00:00.000-08:00

Sorry abt my long absence. I flew back to India on the 23rd and am still getting over the jetlag.

Even though I've spent 12 years outside the country, India is still home for me. And yet, this time I return home with mixed feelings. There is, of course, the excitement of meeting family & friends, the wonderful pampering, the 24 hr domestic help, facials, manicures & pedicures for a tenth of what they cost in the US.

Yet, each time I come back, I feel a little more distant from my 'home'. As I walk out of the airplane, I see how dirty the International airport is. I notice the pollution and the noise a little bit more. I find myself carrying Purell hand sanitizer everywhere I go. I can't sit in a non-air conditioned car for more than a few minutes. I fear I might be turning into (shudder) an NRI (Non Resident Indian) snob!

I hate people who leave India and then consider themselves 'above' the desis (locals), those for whom criticizing their country becomes almost a status symbol - "how do you live in all that dirt...uff, I could never go back! Of course, I still love India dearly, but..." I guess that's the sort of love that can only be sustained at a distance.

And yet, I find myself thinking, if not saying these kind of things. And I start wondering - is it so wrong to want to live in a country that's clean, where officials (except, of course, Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich) aren't corrupt, where doctors can be trusted to diagnose you fairly and not send you for unneccesary tests just to make some money? Every time I look at the Indian newspapers I stories of organ trafficking, medical malpractice, abuse of women and the like.

I'm feeling terribly guilty as I write this. I feel as though I'm letting down my country, bringing it's ugly side out in the open. After all, all homes have their issues, shouldn't we try to solve them internally and not open them up for scrutiny by the neighbors? Then why am I bad-mouthing my home?

It's in this frame of mind that I start looking around me a little more carefully. I come across an interesting story of how cops played cupid for a young couple. And I thought, though it is in no way pardonable that so many intercast couples are still rejected or worse by their own families in my country, maybe there is a glimmer of hope. A perfect example of the slow changes coming into India is that of the Muslim couple who married their adopted hindu daughter to a Hindu groom.

Suddenly, I feel a little more cheerful. Sure, there is a lot in India that needs to be improved. But if those of us who are young and educated, those of us who are wlling and capable of making a change start leaving our 'home' for greener pastures, then how can we expect India to move in the right direction?

Yes, it is tempting to live in a country where most issues have already been resolved, but wouldn't it be far more fulfilling to help my own country reach that level?

A pain in the neck?

2009-02-15T16:40:00.000-08:00

I have recently discovered something truly horrific. Something that has affected me to the very depths of my soul and shaken my core beliefs. I have discovered that - the laptop is not my friend!

For the past 6 years I have believed that my laptop was my best friend. We've practically been joined at the hip.

Coincidentally, for 5 of these 6 years I've had increasingly bad neck and shoulder pains. But, of course, I could never in my wildest dreams imagine that my laptop was responsible. Not the companion that gave me so much joy - we checked email together, visited Facebook for hours, saw movies, heard music and, recently, even entered the exciting world of Blogging hand in hand.

But now I find out that my laptop has been lying to me all along. We never were friends. It's probably been laughing at me behind my back all these years. Oh! the treachery of it all.

Apparently, there is no 'good' way to use the laptop. Not without putting strain on either your neck/shoulders or your wrist (I do have intermittent wrist pains at well...sigh...the duplicity). I tend to use the laptop while it's, well, while it's on my lap. That is what the name suggests, right?

Wrong! Apparently this is the worst possible way to use the laptop (it must have been some advertising whizkid who came up with the name). While your wrists may be okay in this position - since your forearms and hands are in a straight line - it is awful for the neck, as your neck is constantly bent in an unnatural position.

If, on the other hand, you decide to raise your laptop so that you can look at it with a straight neck, well then your wrists will be bent at an awkward angle, resulting in carpal tunnel syndrome.

Many people, especially kids, lie down and use laptops which is leading to increasing lower back pains in children. Computer companies seem to be aware of the problem and new ergonomic devices like the iFold or La ptop Laidback are flooding the market. But I haven't yet come across one that actually helps.

The only viable option open to me seems to be to limit the amount of time I spent with my laptop. From 6-8 hours a day, I have now restricted out "together time" to a maximum of 2 hours.

Until a laptop is invented that has greater distance between the screen and the keyboard, it seems like the relationship between my laptop and I will have to be demoted from BFFs to mere acquaintances.

M.O.B. - Update

2009-02-15T15:25:00.000-08:00

Some of you may have noticed that I've not been keeping up with my 'Moment of Beauty' posts very regularly. The reason for this is not that I can't things worth posting - in fact, it's incredible how much beauty I've been seeing in the most unexpected places now that I'm looking for it.

The reasons I haven't been blogging abt them are:

1. I haven't had my camera with me (this has happened a couple of times)

2. I haven't been quick enough to capture something in motion - a hummingbird outside my window last week, a gull landing in water.

3. But the most common reason is this - I look out of the same window , walk down the same path with Lola everyday. And everyday it looks different, beautiful in a unique way. Sometimes I see a single ray of sunshine hitting the water just so, other times I look at the raindrops falling on the same water, and still other days I concentrate on how the clouds in the clear blue sky are reflected in that very water.

And though I see a different beauty everyday, the actual place is the same and I'm not a good enough photographer to capture it's myriad moods.

I hope that those of you who do actually read my blog are still taking a moment out of your day to reflect on the beauty around you - it doesn't matter if you can't photograph it, or even describe it. It doesn't matter if it's the same flower - once a bud, now in bloom. What matters is that you feel that rush of joy when you see it, that it brings a smile to your face and a feeling of wonder to your heart. That it makes your day just a little bit brighter than it was.

To massage or not to massage? - UPDATE

2009-02-11T17:43:00.000-08:00

Hubby just had the gumption to say that maybe, just maybe, he had applied a tad too much pressure last time, but he stands by his theory. Next time he'll be a little more gentle. Next time??? Yeah, right...in your dreams buddy!

To massage or not to massage?

2009-02-10T17:32:00.000-08:00

So, here I am applying Icy-Hot to my excruciatingly painful shoulder muscles, with a heating pad under my calves, trying to write my blog. Why, you wonder? Was I in a accident? Did I fall? Try to overdo things? Well, no...not exactly. Let me tell you the story from the beginning...

The other day my body aches were especially bad (who knows why - just one of those CFS things I guess). I had tried stretching and soaking in a hot bath, but the aches just kept getting worse.

My loving, caring husband couldn't bear to see me in such pain and offered to give me a hot oil massage. Well, there was no way I was turning that offer down.

As soon as we began, I could feel that certain parts of my body were extremely tender - I screamed with pain even when he applied minimal pressure.

"Don't worry," Hubby Dear assured me, "I know exactly what I'm doing." Trustingly, I settled back down only to feel an explosion of pain in the aforementioned tender muscles as he really laid into them.

Once I had established that, against all evidence, Hubby was not trying to murder me (anything that doesn't kill you just makes you stronger!), I tried to understand his explanation. "The more it hurts, the more you need to press down. That's the only way it's going to get better." he assured me earnestly.

Well, I had heard that according to Eastern medicine, tender spots are indicative of an an energy block in the body. In acupressure & acupuncture pressure/needles are placed on these spots to release the blockages and allow the chi (vital energy/life force) to flow uninterrupted through the body. By restoring balance and flow of energy, the body can be healed.

Looking at the glow of sincerity and compassion emanating from Hubby Dear, I couldn't doubt his intentions any further. "No pain, no gain," I muttered, giving myself up to his (not-so) tender ministrations.

To cut a long story short, it has now been two days since that fateful day - two days of intense pain, dire threats from Yours Truly & abject apologies from Hubby - and, while I am still recovering from my "relaxing " hot oil massage, I am finally able to get back to my blog.

MOTTO OF THE STORY: Massage is probably good for you, but it's not supposed to hurt. If it increases your pain instead of helping, STOP!

Click here to learn more about the benefits of massage.

M.O.B. - Feb 6th

2009-02-06T16:04:00.001-08:00

Outdoor classes today?

OK, this is more funny than 'beautiful', but still...

Introspection

2009-02-06T12:45:00.000-08:00

OK, it's a new day, new beginning. And I'm over my little sojourn into self pity. So let the good times roll...

But, wait, before we bring out the champagne, I rly want to understand what it is that worries me so when my fatigue gets bad.

After much self-scrutiny and introspection, I have come up with 2 things:

1. Life is passing me by / I am not doing anything worthwhile.

2. Because I am not doing anything, my mind is slowly dying and I'm going to become this vapid creature without a single intelligent thought in her head. I hesitate to use the term 'dumb blonde', especially since I'm not blonde, but you know what I mean...

So, let's address these issues.

Starting with the first, I am going to list all my accomplishments over the past 7 years (big and small) so I can see all that I have achieved since I got CFS:

1. I got marri ed to the most wonderful, caring man.
2. I adopted a rescued dog and am giving her the best life I can.
3. I finished my Masters thesis and got my degree in Communication Management from the Annenberg School for Communication, USC.
4. I have been a Teaching Assistant.
5. I have made a lot of new friends.
6. I have been there for friends who were going through some rough times in life.
7. I have learned yoga.
8. I have taken a teacher training course and am now a certified yoga teacher (I don't teach professionally, but still...)
9. I have decided to start an online business in silverware, and have learned from scratch, everything about buying and selling silver.
10. I have opened an eBay store selling silver items an antique jewelry: Nazraana (meaning 'gift').
11. When I felt I was getting well enough to take up a job, I taught myself Search Engine Marketing (SEM) / Pay-Per-Click (PPC). Unfortunately my health deteriorated again & I wasn't able to work. But I did learn a lot!
12. I am learning how to cope with CFS and am much better now than I was when I first fell ill and was bedridden for months.

Now for point no.2. - the fear that my brain is dying a slow death. Well, here goes:

1. I play games like Scrabble and Sudoku daily to exercise my mind.
2. I read a lot about various topics.
3. I try to write my blog daily.
4. I ask everyone I meet a lot of questions about their work and love to learn things.
5. I manage / do all the calculations etc for my ebay store.

So, I don't think my brain is in immediate danger of complete annihilation.

As I finish this post I realize, and this is my Hallelujah moment, that life doesn't stop. Nor is it completely passing me by.

Maybe I would have accomplished more had I not had CFS. But who is to say that those accomplishments would be worth more than what I have achieved with CFS in the past 7 yrs. Who knows whether I would have made the same friends, or had the same relationships? Or even whether I would be the same person.

Hmmm....something to thnk about...

And, on that note, I am off to sharpen my brain and play some Scrabble on Facebook :)

Going to the dogs...

2009-02-06T00:06:00.000-08:00

Here's another link for pet lovers: Funny Pet Pics by 'Thought Fur Paws'

Enjoy :)

Dog rescues Baby

2009-02-05T13:15:00.000-08:00

yes, I got that right...and no, it's not meant to be 'Human rescues Puppy'!

Cool article for all you dog lovers...
Dog Rescues Newborn (click for original story)

(CNN) -- A dog sheltered a newborn baby abandoned by its 14-year-old mother in a field in rural Argentina until the boy was rescued, a doctor said Friday.

The abandoned infant was found in a field with this dog and her newborn puppies.

A resident of a rural area outside La Plata called police late Wednesday night to say that he had heard the baby crying in a field behind his house.

The man went outside and found the infant lying beside the dog and its six newborn puppies, said Daniel Salcedo, chief of police of the Province of Buenos Aires.

The temperature was a chilly 37 degrees, Salcedo said.

The dog had apparently carried the baby 50 meters from where his mother had abandoned him to where the puppies were huddled, police said.

"She took it like a puppy and rescued it," Salcedo said. "The doctors told us if she hadn't done this, he would have died.

"The dog is a hero to us."

Dr. Egidio Melia, director of the Melchor Romero Hospital in La Plata, said police showed up at the hospital at 11:30 p.m. Wednesday with the baby, who doctors say was only a few hours old.

Though the infant had superficial scratches and bruises and was bleeding from his mouth, he was in good shape, Melia said.

The next morning, the child's mother was driven by a neighbor to the hospital and told authorities that the 8-pound, 13-ounce infant is hers, Melia said.

The teenager was immediately given psychological treatment and was hospitalized, he said. She has said little about the incident.

The child has been transferred to a children's hospital in La Plata, 37 miles from Buenos Aires

Why me?

2009-02-04T16:27:00.001-08:00

Today I feel frustrated!

When I started this blog, I promised myself that it was going to be a fun, upbeat blog. But today I just have to rant. So if you are of delicate constitution, you've been given fair warning. You may want to stop reading now.

More than anything in the world, I want to run today. I want that happy exhaustion. Not this overwhelming, never-ending achy fatigue. I want to stretch my muscles and get my heartbeat going. I want to jump and dance and skip for no reason at all. I'm tired of always having to calculate the amount of energy I would waste standing up, or walking across the room, or talking on the phone.

I want to go swimming and horse riding and hiking and dancing.

I just want to be me.

I feel like I've been stuck in an old person's body for the past 7 years. Where did my 20s go? The time I was meant to be full of energy. Instead, a couple of days ago, a lady who was at least in her 60s asked me if I needed help because I wasn't able to walk to my car.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I make sure I keep reminding myself about this. Most days, I believe that I have accepted the CFS, learnt to live with it. But suddenly one day the frustration gets the better of me.

And I just wonder - Why me?

M.O.B. - Feb 2nd

2009-02-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

Today's Moment of Beauty:

Lola & I walk down this path every day, but it looked specially beautiful today.

M.O.B. - Jan 31st

2009-01-31T21:10:00.001-08:00

Single duck enjoying the first sunshine of spring

Facebook rehab?

2009-01-31T12:15:00.000-08:00

My name is Sahiba & I am a Facebookaholic.

There. You now know my shameful secret. But I feel so much better now that it's finally out in the open. Just don't judge me.

Like most addictions, it started innocuously enough. A few minutes here, half an hour there. Just to keep in touch with friends...for old time's sake.

And then I discovered Scrabulous (now Lexulous). And that was the beginning of the end. When Scrabulous was shut down by Hasbro for copyright infringement, I was heartbroken. And I'm not to proud to admit it - I cried.

But all was not lost. From the ashes of Scrabulous there emerged, like some fabulous Phoenix, Wordscraper. And then came Lexulous. In the meanwhile I discovered other word games like Text Twirl & Word Challenge; brain games such as Sudoku and Paradigm; and strategy games including Conquest (online version of classic board game Risk). All this and more - and all on Facebook.

I was hooked.

I couldn't watch TV, talk on the phone or have a normal conversation anymore. My fingers were constantly typing away, my mind thinking of the next word/move/strategy. My eyes got that haunted look. Everybody started to notice.

My husband begged me to step away from the computer. But I didn't want to. After all, I could stop anytime I wanted to, right? I just didn't want to yet. Yeah, right!

But now I admit it. I can't stop. I need help!

In a way, though, I understand what led me to this addiction. With Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, there's very little one can do. I'm no longer studying. I can't work. I don't want to watch Soaps & Sitcoms all day. Sometimes I wonder if my brain will simply shrivel away and die due to neglect.

When I started playing Scrabble etc online, it felt like a lifeline.

Science suggests that simple brain excercises and word games can actually sharpen the mind and improve memory. This is what I focussed on.

However, what I failed to admit was that spending so much time on the computer was really wearing me out. All of us who have had any experience with CFS know that overdoing anything (or even doing what is a "normal" amount for most people) is likely to exhaust us.

So while I was probably working out my mind, I was making myself sicker and sicker.

And that is why I need to go to Facebook rehab. And this is why I am trying to find things other that FB that I can do even when I'm not well - like blogging.

The only problem is, the way I'm going, I may soon end up looking for blog rehab!

M.O.B. - Jan 30th

2009-01-30T15:39:00.001-08:00

These flowers are by the door of my building - I never noticed them before today.

It's amazing how little I really "saw" until I made it a point to start looking for my daily MOB (Moment of Beauty)

Just yesterday I was worrying about how I would find an MOB everyday. Today, I'm finding it difficult to just choose one from all the beautiful things I see around me.

Sorry abt the poor pics - I've never really been into photography. But for the first time I find myself wishing I had a really good camera and some basic photographic skills, simply so I could share all the beautiful moments with you.

M.O.B. - Jan 29th

2009-01-30T13:14:00.000-08:00

Today's Moment of Beauty:

Last night, when I took Lola out for a walk, I came across this perfect yellow floor lying on the gray concrete:

Daily Moment of Beauty

2009-01-29T14:03:00.000-08:00

I came across a lovely blog today: Five Pieces Of Happiness

This reminded me of when I first went to England to study. I was quite lonely - I had left all my friends & classmates back in India. Everything was new for me - the place, the people, the accent, the weather...oh specially the weather!

I had come from a place where it's sunny 350 days in the year...to the grayest place you could imagine. The sky was gray, the buildings were gray, the clothes were gray and, to top it all, the Prime Minister in those days was John Major - the ultimate 'gray man'!

Well, I joined school, I started making new friends, settling in, but something was still missing. That's when I came up with my brilliant idea - every day, I would look for something in nature that was beautiful. It could be a flower, the color of the sky, the layers of an onion, anything. but I would take a moment out of my life to appreciate it's beauty. At first this was a bit of a joke with my new friends, but soon they started looking for things to show me. And it became a daily bonding moment.

I don't know when or why I stopped doing this. But after reading Five Pieces Of Happiness, I have decided to get back to looking for my daily moment of beauty. And I will include this in my daily blog posts from now on. I'd love for all of you to add your own daily "moment of beauty" in the comments - even if it is just the perfect layers of a sliced onion :)

Lola is SAD

2009-01-28T13:13:00.000-08:00

Lola has been depressed.

She hasn't had her usual doggie smile, she's been responding rather half-heartedly to our efforts to play with her, she hasn't even been interested in her tug-of-war rope!

We've been terribly worried. Going over our actions over the past few days. Wondering if we could have inadvertently offended her in some way. But...nothing! We just couldn't figure it out.

But today, like sunshine after a gloomy spell, we saw the goofy grin on Lola's face again. After much celebratory back-slapping, we realized...it wasn't just Lola's brilliant smile. There was, in fact, sunshine outside after few rather dull days. And there was Lola, lying blissfully in the warm sun.

And it finally struck us:

Lola had been SAD.

No, not sad, but SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), also known as the Winter Blues, is a type of depression that is probably caused by our body's reaction to lack of sunlight.

This got me thinking about CFS and it's relationship with sunshine. Many studies suggest that natural vitamin D (through sunshine) could improve some CFS symptoms. Spending some time in natural air and sunlight is especially thought to improve the mood (hence Lola's smile).

I don't mean to suggest that we should ignore all warnings about melanoma cancers etc being caused by excessive exposure to sunlight, but I do feel that even sitting indoors and looking out at a beautiful sunny day does a lot to raise my spirits.

So maybe we should all take a page from Lola's book and just enjoy nature the way it was meant to be enjoyed.

Holtorf Medical Center

2009-01-27T18:41:00.000-08:00

Today I went for my blood test. I had 9 vial of blood taken. I'm kinda chuffed abt that. Last month, there were 13 vials taken. Maybe that means they're honing in on something?

I've tried various kinds of medicines over the years - anti-depressants, anti-migraine pills, anti-epilepsy pills. I've tried allopathy, homeopathy, ayurveda, acupuncture, herbal supplements, vitamins, minerals you name it. And I know that this is the case with almost all CFS patients.

But last month I tried something new. I went to the Holtorf Medical Group, which specialises in fatigue syndromes. The founder Dr. Kent Holtorf suffered from CFS himself. He has now opened a center for "natural, prescription Bioidentical Hormone Replacement, Complex Endocrine Dysfunction, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Infectious Diseases, Fatigue Syndromes and Neurological Illnesses".

It's just been over a month since I started treatment at the Holtorf center and over the years I have learnt not to get too excited about a possible treatment for my CFS, but I have to admit, I am "cautiously optimistic" about this.

Some of the reasons for my optimism are as follows:

I have been tested for hypo-thyroidism time and time again, but I was only tested for T4, and never for reverse T3. Holtorf prescribed a number of tests for me, which, in 7 years, had not been tested by any of the doctors (endocronologists, neurologists, GPs, gastroentologists) that I had visited. And some of these tests, including the reverse T3, are positive.

I know it sounds kind of whacky, but any CFS patient will understand why I whooped for joy on learning that some of the test results were positive. This was the first time I had physical proof that something was actually wrong with me! It wasn't "all in my mind"!

I don't think that the mild hypothyroidism or the other deficiencies they found are responsible for my CFS in it's entirety. However, I do believe that curing these will help my overall health and energy levels.

Till now, I couldn'y fight my illness because I didn't know what to fight. All the causes seemed invisible. But now that I have somthing to focus on, well, just let me at it!

P.S - In case youre wondering, I got all the tests and medicines given to me by Holtorf, double-checked by my GP as well as another doctor. Both doctors agreed that the diagnosis and treatment seemed correct & logical.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness?

2009-01-26T16:52:00.000-08:00

I am the sort of person who is pretty obsessive-compulsive about cleaning. Which is why it drives me craaaaaaaaazy when my house looks like this:

There's laundry baskets to be sorted, clothes to be folded, wires to be untangled, beds to be made, doggie hair to be brushed away, and carpets to be vacuumed.

My husband is at work & my CFS is too bad today for me to even get off the couch.

To make matters worse, I'm getting really really stressed coz the cleaning lady is coming tmrw, and I have to tidy the house before her visit.

Yes, I do know how that sounds. All I can say is - that's the kinda person I am, and you're just gonna havta get used to it!

In fact, the only reason I am willing to share the messy home photo with you is that I don't know you, so I won't know if and when you judge me.

But I do meet the cleaning lady every week, so I can't possibly let her see the mess. Whatever will she think, after all?! Ergo, I have to clean the house before tmrw.

I do realize I have probably lost you by now, but if you think long and hard abt it, you will realize that there is some sort of convoluted logic somewhere in there.

Anyway, to keep me from going completely bonkers, my hubby & I have come up with a system. The days I am not well, he helps by cleaning at least one room so that I have my little haven where I can sit all day and pretend that all's right with the world.

So, here I am, sitting in a near spotless living room, looking out at the most gorgeous view through the picture window, writing my blog.

I'm thinking - would I really be willing to trade the muddy pawprints, the strewn doggie toys and half eaten bones for a spotless home, but a home with no Lola?

And I'm thinking, maybe some mess isn't entirely a bad thing. After all, to paraphrase Laurence J. Peter, "If a cluttered home is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean home?"

UPDATE - the cleaning lady just cancelled for tmrw. Yaaaay! a reprieve!

Invisible illnesses & the spoon theory

2009-01-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

It's often difficult to explain what life is like with limited energy. that's why I enjoyed reading Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory so much.

Check it out at: butyoudontlooksick.com

I've been having a rough couple of days with the fatigue so don't have the energy to write more now. Hopefully will be back to my fab self soon :)

I choose Hope!

2009-01-22T16:07:00.000-08:00

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible" - Christopher Reeves

I have decided to choose hope!

I know it's a bit late to make a New Year's resolution, but better late, than never, right?

It's easy to get into a downward spiral when you're sick. Especially when it's a chronic illness. In the case of CFS, you don't know why you're ill, you don't know if you'll ever get better, you don't know what's happening inside your body or how you'll feel tomorrow. In fact, the only thing that we can safely say we know abt CFS is that we don't know much!

In such circumstances, no one can really blame you if you feel sorry for yourself, or complain about your lot in life. Sure, no one can blame you, but is that rly who you want to become - "the girl/woman/guy who's sick, and makes sure everyone knows it"?

It's not who I want to be. I want to enjoy what I still can, instead of thinking about all that I can't do. I want to be thankful for everything I have (an adoring husband, a loving family, supportive friends and, of course, my doggie Lola), not cry about what I have lost.

I have always lived my life to the fullest. I have always been (in my opinion at least) fun, funny and fabulous. And fatigue is not going to take that away from me!

So, everybody, together now, lets say it. Loud n clear: "We may be fatigued, but we'll be fabulous forever!"

The glass is half full

2009-01-22T15:14:00.000-08:00

I found the coolest article today:

How I embrace optimism...and how you can, too
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

Optimism is not the easiest quality to come by. For us ChronicBabes [babes who just happen to have a chronic illness], it can be hard to embrace fully. But there's a positive energy in the air right now, and I think the time is ripe to capitalize on it and remind ourselves that we can accomplish SO MUCH with just the right attitude.

In two days, the U.S. will have a new president, and with him will come a wave of change. Even if you didn't vote for Barack Obama, I hope you're excited for the new opportunities he represents for ALL of us. The commitment he has made to improving our nation's health care system is strong, and all of us here at ChronicBabes are excited about the possibility that one day soon, everyone will get the care they deserve.

Our new leader represents optimism in action, a concept I've been thinking about a lot lately. For those of us who live with chronic illness, optimism is a precious commodity—something we cultivate and cherish. Obama is a perfect example of what it means to not only be optimistic, but to take that positive energy and drive it forward to create a positive result...and to inspire others to do the same.

Continue...

Lola

2009-01-21T18:13:00.000-08:00

I hear a heartfelt sigh, which I choose to ignore. A wet tongue tries to work it's way inside my socks. When that doesn't work, there's a gentle nudge, followed by some not so gentle ones. And finally my laptop is pushed away by a determined nose, and replaced by a rather accusing doggie face.

Lola wants to play! And, like it or not, Lola's gonna play - with me!

But Lola knows that "Mommy's not feeling well today". So, though we do play a little tug-of-war, she lets me win. After which she brings a brightly colored stuffed toy and tries to snuggle up in my lap.

How would I ever cope with the CFS without my little Lab-Pit mix?

Oh, don't get me wrong, life with Lola hasn't always been a cakewalk. Far from it! We've had more than our fair share of problems. When we adopted a sweet looking Lab-mix from the shelter, we had no idea about the the determined, independent Pit-Bull genes concealed behind that innocent face.

There followed tears and accusations, tantrums and multiple ultimatums to Lola that she's going back to the shelter. But, somehow, we got past the rebellious teenager stage and emerged on the other side with a (near) perfect dog.

Life with CFS can be pretty lonely. I don't have the energy to take up a 'proper' job; friends/family work during the day; going out alone is difficult - I never know when I'll be stuck without the energy to walk or drive back; even grocery shopping can be a stretch and doing house work can be close to impossible.

But I have Lola. And she helps me smile, even on the worst days. :)

Uh oh, gotta go now! Here comes the pushy wet nose. Lola wants her dinner. And we all know, what Lola want, Lola gets!

This is what I do.: This year, 2009 and ME

2009-01-20T18:44:00.000-08:00

This is what I do.: This year, 2009 and ME

Viva La America

2009-01-20T13:51:00.000-08:00

Today, Barack Obama become the 44th President of the United States of America. The Leader of the Free World (what's that all about anyway? Isn't any country other than America free? Or does the POTUS reign over all free countries in the world?).

As a non-American, I may scoff at times at the US. About how 'simple' the average American is, or how the lead story of local news features a cat stuck in a tree, at Sarah Palin's foreign policy comments, or, especially, at Bush and his many, many faux-pas. But I have to admit, days like today make me understand why Americans believe so passionately in their country.

This is a country where a mere 100 years ago, US senator Benjamin Tillman could declare on the senate floor,"We of the South have never recognized the right of the negro to govern white men, and we never will. We have never believed him to be the equal of the white man". And yet, today, President Obama entered office with the highest approval rating of any US President.

But what makes this country truly great is that Obama was not elected because of a misplaced sense of guilt. He didn't win because he was black, or despite being black. He won because he was the best person to lead the country. He won without needing to play the race card.

(Of course, before I start getting too dreamy eyed abt America, I should also remeber that this is the same country that elected President Bush not just once, but twice! - can you rly blame the rest of the world for doubting America's greatness at that point?)

But, coming back to Obama - this gives me hope. Hope that great things can happen. Will happen.

Viva La America! Long live America!

Ah, CFS, CFS, wherefor art thy CFS? for a rose by any other name...

2009-01-19T19:24:00.000-08:00

I'm dog tired today. Big shocker. I've been tired for seven years. Doesn't do much for my social or professional life, but sure does give me a lot of time to think. Was complaining to random people about my lack of a life when some do-gooder piped up - "hey, why don't you start a blog?". Now, this may have been a last ditch attempt to get me to stop talking but, you know what, I prefer to believe that he recognized the spark of brilliance in my random musings and wanted me to share my unique perspective with the world.

And that's how you lucky (or not) people got to be here, reading my blog!

So, why am I tired, you wonder. Fully explaining this would take more energy than I have, so I'll tell you in 3 simple words: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

I often wish that this illness was called something else. Something that sounded more, well, more serious I guess. Something that conveyed what the illness was really all about. That let you know about the dizziness, the pains, the constantly aching muscles, the days when I'm too tired to lift a spoon or walk to the bathroom or even to think. You know, one of those sixteen syllable, impossible to to pronounce, incredibly medical sounding names ending with "itis" or "osis" or "phage". A name that caused an awed hush to go around the room when I said it (insert dreamy sigh here). But back to reality - Chronic Fatigue Syndrome it is. I guess I just gotta work with what I got.

But all is not lost. There are people out there who are trying to set the record straight about CFS. In fact, I'll have you know that William Reeves, hot-shot doctor with the Chronic Diseases Center actually said, and I kid you not, “I think there is no question that ...[people with CFS] are as impaired as a whole as people with MS [Multiple Sclerosis], as people with AIDS, as people undergoing chemotherapy for cancer”.

So, don't go knocking my disease just cause it doesn't have a cool name.

I may be Fatigued but I'll always be Fabulous...

M.O.B - 17th Oct

M.O.B - 16th Oct

M.O.B - 27th June

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.Watch your words, for they become actions.Watch your actions, for they become habits.Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

The death of 'I'

Happy to be me

My new Haircut

Newsletter by Jenni (Chronic Babes)

Dear fellow ChronicBabes,(view in your web browser)

The long and the short of it...

Of start-ups and hackers

M.O.B. - 18th March

Opulent Temple white party

Ups n downs

A weird and wonderful day

Are you listening God? It's me....

Breathe again...

Here's a pretty good article by Dr. Bruce Cambell on his life with CFS/fibro...

ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia: Rebuilding Life in the Face of Loss

Just another day...

For my friends...

A beautiful day

A taste of freedom...

My disabling chronic illness is more real than your imaginary medical expertise!

It's been a long 3 months

Pls vote for Sue

Chronic fatigue syndrome linked to 'cancer virus'

Chronic fatigue syndrome linked to 'cancer virus'

Virus clues

Sensitive test

Childhood trauma

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

M.O.B. - Aug 14th

M.O.B. - Aug 13th

Do dogs lie?

Choices...

Crop Circles

'Up was...' - Update

Up was such a downer

Introduce yourself - Update!

Introduce yourselves!

M.O.B. - May 25th

M.O.B. - May 19th

M.O.B. - May 16th

Every cloud has a silver lining?

Travelling divas

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

Home is where the heart is

A pain in the neck?

M.O.B. - Update

To massage or not to massage? - UPDATE

To massage or not to massage?

M.O.B. - Feb 6th

Introspection

Going to the dogs...

Dog rescues Baby

Why me?

M.O.B. - Feb 2nd

M.O.B. - Jan 31st

Facebook rehab?

M.O.B. - Jan 30th

M.O.B. - Jan 29th

Daily Moment of Beauty

Lola is SAD

Holtorf Medical Center

Cleanliness is next to Godliness?

Invisible illnesses & the spoon theory

I choose Hope!

The glass is half full

How I embrace optimism...and how you can, tooby Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix

Lola

This is what I do.: This year, 2009 and ME

Viva La America

Ah, CFS, CFS, wherefor art thy CFS? for a rose by any other name...

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Dear fellow ChronicBabes,
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How I embrace optimism...and how you can, too
by Jenni Prokopy, the Editrix