The death of 'I'

I have been trying so hard - and for so long - to stay strong. But I can't do it any more.

3 days ago I finally gave up my fight against allopathic medication and started Medrol, a Group A corticosteroid for the inflammation of the muscles and nerves. I no longer know why I put myself through the agony of the Lyrica & Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms, if I simply had to start on such strong medication again.

I feel defeated.

In fact, it's like there is no longer an 'I' left to either be strong or feel defeated. There is just pain and fatigue.

And I'll do just about anything to stop it.

At the very least I tried to stick to the hope that with the steroids, the pain would finally get a little bit better; that after 9 long years, my body would get a break from the agonizing misery....but it hasn't. And that may be the most disappointing thing of all.

The constant dizziness - I don't know whether it's the CFS/FM or the medication that's responsible - has been getting worse to the point where even lying in bed I feel the need to constantly hold onto something so I don't fall.

 I've never wanted to be that person who's always miserable and complaining. I always told myself that even if I can't help being miserable, I can at least not complain.

But since that 'I' no longer exists, I guess I can finally be weak and break down and cry...

Just another day...

The past few months have been exceptionally bad in terms of pain. I recently got off a medicine that was controlling pain pretty well, but had other unwanted effects. Since doing anything - even sitting in the car to go out - exacerbates the pains, I've been forced to become a bit more of a homebody that I would ideally have liked to be.
This morning, as I was playing Scrabble, hubby walked by chatting with a friend on speaker-phone. She was telling him her plans for the day. She had lunch with a friend, after which she'd drop her dog off at our place so he could have a play date with Lola, sit with us for a bit, then go to a comedy club, followed by a bar/pub/club. The next morning she had to be up early for a Superbowl party at her place. She made it sound so easy. So normal. Then I realized - it is normal. For most people.

I'm waiting for the day when it'll be normal for me too.

A pain in the neck?

I have recently discovered something truly horrific. Something that has affected me to the very depths of my soul and shaken my core beliefs. I have discovered that - the laptop is not my friend!

For the past 6 years I have believed that my laptop was my best friend. We've practically been joined at the hip.

Coincidentally, for 5 of these 6 years I've had increasingly bad neck and shoulder pains. But, of course, I could never in my wildest dreams imagine that my laptop was responsible. Not the companion that gave me so much joy - we checked email together, visited Facebook for hours, saw movies, heard music and, recently, even entered the exciting world of Blogging hand in hand.

But now I find out that my laptop has been lying to me all along. We never were friends. It's probably been laughing at me behind my back all these years. Oh! the treachery of it all.

Apparently, there is no 'good' way to use the laptop. Not without putting strain on either your neck/shoulders or your wrist (I do have intermittent wrist pains at well...sigh...the duplicity). I tend to use the laptop while it's, well, while it's on my lap. That is what the name suggests, right?

Wrong! Apparently this is the worst possible way to use the laptop (it must have been some advertising whizkid who came up with the name). While your wrists may be okay in this position - since your forearms and hands are in a straight line - it is awful for the neck, as your neck is constantly bent in an unnatural position.

If, on the other hand, you decide to raise your laptop so that you can look at it with a straight neck, well then your wrists will be bent at an awkward angle, resulting in carpal tunnel syndrome.

Many people, especially kids, lie down and use laptops which is leading to increasing lower back pains in children. Computer companies seem to be aware of the problem and new ergonomic devices like the iFold or Laptop Laidback are flooding the market. But I haven't yet come across one that actually helps.

The only viable option open to me seems to be to limit the amount of time I spent with my laptop. From 6-8 hours a day, I have now restricted out "together time" to a maximum of 2 hours.

Until a laptop is invented that has greater distance between the screen and the keyboard, it seems like the relationship between my laptop and I will have to be demoted from BFFs to mere acquaintances.