The death of 'I'

I have been trying so hard - and for so long - to stay strong. But I can't do it any more.

3 days ago I finally gave up my fight against allopathic medication and started Medrol, a Group A corticosteroid for the inflammation of the muscles and nerves. I no longer know why I put myself through the agony of the Lyrica & Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms, if I simply had to start on such strong medication again.

I feel defeated.

In fact, it's like there is no longer an 'I' left to either be strong or feel defeated. There is just pain and fatigue.

And I'll do just about anything to stop it.

At the very least I tried to stick to the hope that with the steroids, the pain would finally get a little bit better; that after 9 long years, my body would get a break from the agonizing misery....but it hasn't. And that may be the most disappointing thing of all.

The constant dizziness - I don't know whether it's the CFS/FM or the medication that's responsible - has been getting worse to the point where even lying in bed I feel the need to constantly hold onto something so I don't fall.

 I've never wanted to be that person who's always miserable and complaining. I always told myself that even if I can't help being miserable, I can at least not complain.

But since that 'I' no longer exists, I guess I can finally be weak and break down and cry...

Happy to be me

I'm finally off Cymbalta & Wellbutrin!

Can't believe I actually did it. The past couple of months have been amongst the worst ever. There were days - weeks even - when I felt like instead of bones and muscles and skin, all I was was a mass of unbelievable pain and a deep, never-ending, all-pervading fatigue. I didn't think I could go through the withdrawal.

But I did!

And I'm so proud of myself! :)

Now just 120mg Lyrica to go....

Opulent Temple white party

This weekend was a bit of a bummer.

We were supposed to go for this Sacred Dance 'white party' - don't worry if you don't have the foggiest what that means, I don't either - but it sounded particularly conducive to a night of divine dancing and drunken debauchery. But, alas, this was not meant to be...

I was having a pretty bad day, but since when have I decided to listen to my body's signals? Managed to get ready, sit in the car, almost reach the venue, then realized that I had forgotten my ID at home. Turned back, reached the house, picked up the ID...and just didn't feel well enough to go out again!

Dark cloud: was quite disappointed, esp since we had bought tkts in advance and had been looking fwd to an evening out.

Silver lining: got to get all dressed up in white, with glittering silvery make-up, take pics and feel pretty. And don't ever underestimate the value of feeling pretty!!

Ups n downs

Life is full of ups and downs, they say.

2010 was mostly a down for me - extreme exhaustion, excruciating pain, mind fog, hospitalization, you name it. But that doesn't mean there were no ups. I think I had to reach absolute rock bottom to get out of the 'comfortable' place I had settled into. I had gotten so used to feeling tired and in pain all the time, that it had become 'normal'. But maybe getting worse was the push I needed.

I had been trying to reduce my meds for a while. By end 2009 I had managed to cut out many of the most hated meds - chief amongst them Cymbalta. Cymbalta is approved for dual use against depression and fibromyalgia. But what no one really emphasizes are the side effects. The frequency and severity of side effects listed by the company come nowhere near the real thing. The 'brain fog' caused by Cymbalta got so bad that on some days 2+2 was a confusing equation for me!

Towards end March 2010, my pain had shot up to an unmanageable degree. I was taking 6 to 8 Vicodins daily along with medical marijuana in edible form (extremely potent) as well as some other pain killers. 

And still the pain wouldn't go. 

I pretty much lived like a zombie for those months - either drugged out of my mind or in unbearable pain. We hadn't gone out in months and K was mostly focusing on managing my pain, besides his job and the home. 

Finally came a day when I felt I just couldn't go on like this any more. I no longer felt safe with myself. At this point, K and I went to the emergency room and decided to check me in. 

The doctors at Stanford Hospital, nice as they were, were pretty clueless. They started me on Lyrica as it's the only other drug approved for Fibromyalgia. It wasn't particularly effective, so they kept upping the dosage till we reached 400mg/day (100mg more than FDA approved 'safe' dosage). Eventually, they added 60 mg of cymbalta and sent me home with more drugs and little relief.

One of the particularly nasty side effects of Lyrica was that entire episode of events would vanish from my memory. On one of my better days, we went to the mall for some much needed retail therapy and I bought a couple of nice skirts. The next day I had absolutely no recollection of the trip or of my purchases. 

Days passed in a daze. And yet, there was no relief from pain or any signs of recovery. 

The doctors had no answers as to when/how to get off these drugs, but would usually give a referral to a different clinic. We did make few trips to the Stanford pain clinic but soon realized it was just more of the same. They referred us to 3 other clinics and usually the referrals never went through or required multiple calls, and we had to wait for weeks while the hospital figured out the insurance details.

Initially I was mad at the doctors for not doing something different, for not giving me a long term solution, for not trying harder to help me. The side effects of the drugs (confusion, brain fog, memory loss, dizziness etc) were probably worse than the illness itself. My mother had to fly down from India to help care for me since there was no way hubby K could manage everything by himself - either physically or emotionally.

Around mid-2010 I finally decided to try something different. 

The roller coaster of pain had been tough emotionally, so I went to the best therapist/psychiatrist I could find - Dr. Matt May. He wasn't covered by our insurance and I was worried about the cost, but I don't think we could have made a better investment. Years of brain fog had pretty much warped my self image. Dr. May helped me appreciate myself again. And with his help, down we went on the meds again.

At the same time, K had read an article about how a chiropractor had cured someone of severe chronic pain. We decided to give chiropractic a try. Dr. Matt Coleman was like an angel from the heavens above :) Within a month my pain was down from the acute sharp shooting pain to a much lower-grade dull ache. I was able to cut vicodin to a large degree but not completely. More importantly, he taught me the importance of nutrition. We all try to eat right - at least we like to think we do - but it's shocking how little we actually know about what goes into our mouths. Best advice I can give you - read Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon. I can honestly say this book changed my life. I gave up sugar, tea, coffee, started checking the ingredients of everything that went into my tummy, eating only organic etc etc. He helped my figure out that I was severely allergic to corn and tomatoes.

Within a few months I started feeling stronger from inside. It was like my organs were recovering from all the stress they had been under with the strong medication and wrong foods. I lost weight (over 40 lbs) looked better and felt better than ever. K also lost about the same amount of weight just eating right with me. 

I'm not trying to suggest that I was miraculously cured, but it was definitely a start. By September I was feeling strong enough to travel and decided to go to India to try acupuncture again. Unfortunately acupuncture wasn't able to help - despite daily sessions for about 3 months. But then I tried something new - the Kottakal Arya Vaidya Sala - an ayurvedic hospital in India. It was two weeks of in-patient treatment and daily massages with medicated oils. I came back feeling and looking like a different person. 

I'm now back in San Francisco along with my ayurvedic meds from the Vaidya Sala, and am on the roller coaster of getting off my allopathic meds again. I'm doing pretty well - Cymbalta is down from 60mg to 10mg, Lyrica from 400mg to 150mg and Wellbutrin from 300mg to 75mg. But the withdrawal is pretty tough. I'm hoping to be totally allopathic medicine free by August 2011. 

Keep your fingers crossed for me! 

A weird and wonderful day

Today is the strangest day ever!

It's hubby's (K) b'day today.

No, that's not what's strange....be patient folks...

Anyway, as I said, it is K's b'day. So, of course, I was planning the usual cake, champagne etc. But yesterday K asked me a strange question. "Do you want to give me a birthday present that would rly mean the most to me?"

Of course, I said.

"Then, just for one day, see yourself with my eyes. Love yourself the way I love you. Treat yourself the way you know I would like you to. If you want to do something, think about whether you're rly doing it for me or for yourself. Pls don't clean the house. Think of how that would drain your energy, so you won't even be able to talk to me in the evening. You don't need to dress up and get tired. I'd rather see you laughing in pajamas. My ideal birthday present would be to see you lively and energetic, even if the house is dirty and there's no cake and you couldn't plan a party.  " (or something like that).

Heavy, eh? Yeah, I mean who would be ok with no cake on their b'day??!!!

Ok srsly, I decided that if that's what he wanted, then that's what he'd get. After all he was the b'day boy (errr....man?)

And today has been the wierdest most wonderful day ever! I feel like I'm on vacation. I want to wash my hair so it looks nice for tonight, but I know it'll tire me. Normally I would have managed to convince myself that washing my hair wasn't optional, it was obligatory. And that somehow, I could summon up enough energy to do it.

But looking at it with K's eyes? Now that was a whole different ball game. He would say - Conserve your energy. Save it for when we're together. I don't care if your hair isn't washed, you're always beautiful to me (ok, so I put in the last part myself, but I know he would have said it!)

And so the decision has been made!

No hair washing today!
(for those of you who are wondering what the big deal abt washing hair, see  photo!)

I used this technique on everything today. And it was fantastic. So I began to wonder why it made the difference it did, and I came up with the following:

1. I usually decide that everyone's wants/desires are the same as mine. I often try to tidy the house before K returns from office. But I realized that I do that because I would like to come back to a clean home. If he had to choose, he would choose an energetic wife over a clean house any day! So I'm rly doing sit for myself - I can't pretend it's for him.

2. I am not realistic about my energy levels. I can easily convince myself that I can do anything with "just a bit more effort", until I reach the point where I'm bedridden. Looking at it through K's eyes, made me think - If he were here would he like me to use my limited energy on this task? And, I realize that it's ok to stop because I'm tired. It's ok to listen to my body.

3. Obviously that demands the question - why can I stop when K thinks I should, but not do it for myself? Guilt. Yup, that's it the culprit - guilt! To myself, I'm 'lazy' if I don't do something that needs to be done. To K, I'm genuinely tired - something that I'm not willing to accept.

It's odd that I've had CFS/fibro for almost 8 years, but I still haven't learned energy management. (Hriday, I know that this is just asking for it, so go ahead...). But better late than never I always say!

Stay tuned for whether I am able to incorporate these changes into my daily habits....

Breathe again...

Here's a pretty good article by Dr. Bruce Cambell on his life with CFS/fibro...

ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia: Rebuilding Life in the Face of Loss

Just another day...

The past few months have been exceptionally bad in terms of pain. I recently got off a medicine that was controlling pain pretty well, but had other unwanted effects. Since doing anything - even sitting in the car to go out - exacerbates the pains, I've been forced to become a bit more of a homebody that I would ideally have liked to be.
This morning, as I was playing Scrabble, hubby walked by chatting with a friend on speaker-phone. She was telling him her plans for the day. She had lunch with a friend, after which she'd drop her dog off at our place so he could have a play date with Lola, sit with us for a bit, then go to a comedy club, followed by a bar/pub/club. The next morning she had to be up early for a Superbowl party at her place. She made it sound so easy. So normal. Then I realized - it is normal. For most people.

I'm waiting for the day when it'll be normal for me too.

For my friends...

I've been cancelling a lot on my friends lately. And I know that while they try to understand, sometimes it can be difficult.

So here's a list of what friends/family of CFS/FM patients should know:

1. I will cancel. Despite all my best intentions, there will always be times when I will cancel at the last minute. I'm not trying to be inconsiderate, I usually cancel only after I have tried all alternatives like coffee, rest and energy drinks and they haven't helped.

2. I will be late. I usually need to start getting ready at least 4 hrs before I go out. I need to rest after taking a shower, again after combing my hair, putting on make-up, or getting dressed. I hate being late, but it's often impossible for me to correctly gauge how much time / rest I'll need.

3. I will not understand. I get terrible brain fog. Sometimes I just won't understand what you're saying, however simple. I simply have to wait for my brain to clear - I'm not being deliberately obtuse or difficult.

4. I will forget. You may tell me something 5 times and I may still forget that you told me. With the brain fog, it can be very difficult to simply understand what's going on around me, much less remember stuff.

5. I may not be able to help. I love to help my friends in any way I can, but sometimes this is just not possible. Again, not being selfish or thoughtless, just can't do it.

6. You may not hear from me. Sometimes weeks, even months, go by and I don't call/email friends. I do think of you, it's just that talking on the phone or even spending time on the computer can be exhausting. Pls do call / mail me sometimes, even if it feels like you're always taking the initiative. It rly means a lot to me.

7. I appreciate your support. Even simple things like knowing that you will understand if I cancel go a long way in helping me. Sometimes I may need your help, other times just knowing that I have friends who truly care abt me can make me feel better.

I know it's not always easy being my friend, but I truly hope that you will still think it's worth it. I hope this helps you understand me a little bit better.

If there's anything else that CFS/fibro patients or friends / family of patients would like to add, your comments would be welcome.

A taste of freedom...

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who are truly grateful for any glimpse of light in the darkness. And those who forget the wonder of the moment almost before it's over. Unfortunately I definitely fall into the latter category. Once I catch a glimpse of life as it 'ought to be' or 'should have been', the discontent of life 'as it is' rises almost immediately.

Monday was a fabulous day for me. After months of worsening fatigue and pains, suddenly, I was rewarded with one of those 'miracle days'. I woke up fresh in the morning for a doctor's apptment, had to walk quite a lot in the hospital but didn't get knocked out, did two loads of laundry, watched TV, played word games on the computer, tidied the kitchen cabinets, served myself lunch and set up the living room.

I know that to most healthy people this may not sound like much work for an entire day, but any of us who have had contact with illnesses like CFS/FM, can recognize what a momentous day it was in my life. And maybe that's why I was so scared to end the day. What if, while I slept, the magic wore off? What if I collapsed again tomorrow?

It's difficult to not think like this. It's difficult to stop myself from doing all that I can, simply because I can in fact do it (making any sense?). You would think that after so many years of struggling with the issue I would have learnt the importance of resting even when I'm not tired. But whenever I do get a 'normal' day, this is still almost impossible for me.

The excitement of having a good day wouldn't let me sleep all of Monday night. Finally fell asleep at abt 6:30a.m. the next morning and am, surprise, surprise, now back to spending the whole day in bed.

Moral of the story - Take each day as it comes and learn to recognize/appreciate the precious moments in life.

And, as of today, that's precisely what I'm going to do!

My disabling chronic illness is more real than your imaginary medical expertise!

Funny gifts for someone with a chronic illness...check it out...made me laugh:

http://www.chronic-illness.org/cfs_t_shirts_gift_ideas.html

It's been a long 3 months

It's 1:29 a.m. I am siting in bed with a heating pad, under 3 comforters, sipping Theraflu in much the same manner that a connoisseur may enjoy a fine vintage wine. My husband is snoring (rather loudly - I can easily hear him through my industrial strength earplugs!) on my left. On my right is Lola, looking none too pleased that I've disturbed her beauty sleep by switching on my bedside lamp.

The last few months have been exciting but exhausting. My sister-in -law J. has been staying with us for the past 4 months as she prepared to take the American National Board of Dentistry Exams. For the past 3 weeks, my parents have been visiting us from India. We've also moved house, visited Seattle and Mt. Rainier, and done a family trip to Vegas and the Grand Canyon. As I said, exhilerating, but so exhausting.

During this time I've gone through many ups and many downs. Sometimes, the fatigue got too much for me. And I would feel trapped. Frustrated. Imprisoned in my own body. My soul yearned to soar, but instead I would wave goodbye from the hotel room as everyone else went for a hike or to the casinos. And I would wonder what I had done to deserve this.

But each time this happens, I now take myself back to my trip to the Mt Rainier National Park. When we went to visit Seattle, Mt Rainier wasn't even on our 'places to visit' list. My husband almost had to drag me there. And now, I thank him for it everyday. Memories of Rainier have become my own personal place of peace.

I don't think I can ever explain the overwhelming sense of peace and 'rightness' that I felt sitting in those mountains surrounded by trees and brooks, no soul or sign of civilization in sight. Just a magnificent snow covered active volcano forming a glorious backdrop to an endless panorama of hills covered with green trees. In that moment, all my concerns and worries and stresses just disappeared. All that mattered was the nature around me and the contentment within me.

Rainier changed me in a fundamental way. Now, when things threaten to overwhelm me, I just transport myself back to those hills, overlooking a vista of pine trees and lakes, and nothing seems important any more in face of such majestic natural beauty.

For the first time in my life, I didn't care about work or studies, diamonds or cashmere. All I needed was a pair of jeans and the people I love around me. And even though I couldn't do the 15 mile hike that I would have loved to do, the rangers helped me find a hike that was 1/10th of a mile and being able to complete this gave me more joy than you can possibly imagine.

I think that all of us, especially those of us struggling like a condition with CFS/FM have to find our own personal Rainier. A place which is always inviting, where we can be ourselves and lose all the accumulated despair and frustration. A places that renews and re-energizes us. A place that makes us thankful for all the things - big and small- that we already have in our lives and perhaps do't give enough importance to.

I hope those of you that follow this blog have already found such a place (I would love to hear abt these), and I strongly urge the rest of you to find your Rainier. It will give you more joy than you can imagine!

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know (http://invisibleillnessweek.com)

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) & Fibromyalgia (FM)

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2002

3. But I had symptoms since: 2001

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: I can no longer do the things I love - dancing, swimming, running, anything that requires energy

5. Most people assume: It's all in my head

6. The hardest part about mornings are: Never feeling well rested or refreshed

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Gray's Anatomy

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My laptop. It's my link to the outside world.

9. The hardest part about nights are: Lying awake for hours...not being able to sleep because of the pain.

10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: 11 (which is less than most people with CFS/FM)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: have tried homeopathy, naturopathy, acupuncture, pranic healing, yunani - none of these have worked. I have found that yoga helps if ptacticed regularly.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Visible. At least people would be able to see that I'm not making it all up.

13. Regarding working and career: Had to give up in 2002 because of my illness.

14. People would be surprised to know: I have been exhausted for 7 yrs. And in pain almost all the time. I try not to make a big deal about it, but it is a huge deal to me.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: That I (or anyone else) don't understand my illness. I don't know whether a cause or cure will ever be found for it.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: get my yoga teaching certificate

17. The commercials about my illness: Have just started. I'm glad people are beginning to recognize fibromyalgia as an illness. Unfortunately still nothing about CFS.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Running. Dancing. Working. Studying. Being self-reliant.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: my life as it was.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Gardening (well, I just started 2 days ago)

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: go sky diving followed by dancing all night.

22. My illness has taught me: the importance of being healthy.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Snap out of it (well, duh, thanks...that never occurred to me for 7 years). If you can't say anything helpful, pls don't say anything.

24. But I love it when people: people help me in the most unexpected ways.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "This body is perishable, consciousness is of a nature to dissolve, and all objects of clinging are impermanent, suffering and subject to change." The body is only a temporary vehicle. It is my soul that will continue. And my soul is only a part of the Universal consciousness. So why despair for the body?

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Learn to listen to your body. Rest before you get tired. Don't compare yourself - not to anyone else and not to yourself before you got ill.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: Millions of dollars (& pounds) are being spent on researching CFS, over 1 million Americans suffer from it, yet we are nowhere close to discovering what it is or to finding a cure.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I want people to recognise that an invisible illness can be as debilitating as a visible one.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Happy, that you cared enough to read it.

Choices...

I do have a choice.

I can stay home, make sure I eat on time, get enough rest, and pray that I remain well (still no guarantees there).

Or I can go to a friends place, out dancing or to play pool, and almost certainly be bedridden with terrible muscle pains and excruciating fatigue for the following week or so.

It's not much of a choice, but still...

I was feeling so much better when I got back from India that my husband and I planned a 5-day vacation in Los cabos, Mexico. The place was gorgeous, the people were fun, the resort was exquisite, and I was sicker than I've ever been in my life.

I tried so hard to be 'good'. I rested when my husband was out playing beach volleyball. I ate every 2 hrs to keep up my strength. I made sure I got enough sleep. Still, by the time we had to fly back to San Francisco, I was so ill that, for the first time in my life, I had to ask for a wheelchair at the airport.

I always knew that a wheelchair is a good idea for me when there are long distances to walk, but I could never get myself to go in one. It may be physically more comfortable, but emotionally and psychologically I felt it would be too difficult for me. I couldn't bear the idea of having to rely on a wheelchair at 30. It would be like the final step to giving in to CFS.

But last month, I couldn't help it. I couldn't stand, speak or even think. The fatigue was unbearable. So, when my husband asked for a wheelchair, I sat in it.

I think it was almost as difficult for my husband to see me in the wheelchair as it was for me to be in one. I could see how close to tears he was as he pushed my chair.

The airport staff was incredibly nice and helpful. But when one of them wanted to get me a doctor I tried to explain CFS to him. The surprise on his face when I told him that a doctor couldn't help, that no one knew what was happening to me or that I couldn't know when I'd suddenly collapse again, made me realize again what a strange illness we live with.

I have gotten used to CFS. At least I thought I had. Almost everyone who knows me now understands the illness somewhat, but it's when I try to explain the condition to someone new, that the true horror of CFS dawns me.

I'm tired of being tired. Of having swollen eyes and and an exhausted smile in every photo. Of the uncertainty. And most of all, I'm tired of not being able to be independent.

I wonder when it'll all be ok again.

Every cloud has a silver lining?

I have never been a particularly religious person. Born a Sikh, I have gone to Gurudwaras with my family. As a student in England, I attended chapel twice a week with the rest of the school. And, India being a predominantly Hindu country, I have participated in pujas and prayer ceremonies in the mandir (Hindu temple). I did not dislike these experiences, but none of them inspired in me any sort of religious fervor.

Lately, however, I find myself being drawn towards spirituality. By spirituality I am not speaking of organized religion, but of an awareness of the self and of the soul/spirit/divinity/faith that lies within us all. I don't have the correct words...perhaps what I am speaking of can be best described as a search for our true selves.

I think I can trace this slow journey towards 'spirituality' to when I first started yoga for my Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Before CFS, I was a classic type-A personlity. A typical day went something like this - wake up at 5, go to the gym for an hour, work from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. (good ol' dot com era), go clubbing after work, and start the whole cycle again the next morning. Any wonder my body decided to give up?

No one is sure about what causes CFS. But I believe that stress has a lot to do with it. Both physical and, especially, mental stress. When, after I got CFS, I was forced to slow down, it was as though my entire world had collapsed. And the stress of not being able to do anything about it made the fatigue worse until I was bedridden.

Yoga helped me recognize the importance of relaxation for perhaps the first time in my life. As I continued with yoga, I started feeling a little better. But, brought up in the 'science' culture, I was reluctant to accept that a "mystical" concept like yoga could actually be helping me. Where, I demanded, was the proof?

I started studying yoga more seriously and soon realized that yoga is an extremely scientific practice. Yet it's spiritual aspects can't be ignored. And so I started reading more - what is spirituality? Is there a God? If so, why does S/He allow suffering? The usual questions. I can't say I've discovered the answers, but I'm actually grateful to the CFS for having made me slow down enough to ask the questions.

I recently read a wonderful book - 'Autobiography of a Yogi' by Pramhansa Yogananda. I'm not going to go into the details of the book, but I can honestly say that it's one of the very few books that has changed the way I think. I would sincerely recommend this book to anyone interested in question like - 'are there miracles?', 'does astrology really work?', 'do we have a predetermined destiny?'.

At first the book may seem a bit too fantastic, but if you continue, it becomes a fascinating read.

Another subject I've been reading more about is Buddhism. What I especially like about Buddhist teachings are that they are more a way of life than a religion. Anyone, from any religious background can practice basic Boddhisatva virtues like compassion, generosity, patience, non-violence and truthfulness. For an easy-to-understand, modern yet thought-provoking read on the basics of Buddhism, I suggest 'Awakening the Buddha Within' and 'Buddha Is as Buddha Does' - both by American born Buddist teacher Lama Surya Das.

I know that this post has been a bit more serious than usual, but I'm in an introspective mood. Also, doing yoga, reading book on spirituality and learning to accept things gracefully are really helping me cope better with my illness. I can focus on everything that's good in my life, not on all that I can't do. But best of all, I have (mostly) accepted CFS as a teacher, and not as my enemy.

The Good, the Bad & the Ugly

A lot has happened since I was last on my blog...some good, some not so good and, some, let's just face it...ugly!

One of the saddest things this trip was the death of my 11 yr old German Shepherd Dog - Roxy. Roxy had been living with my parents in India, but I was the one who had first brought her home when she was a puppy, slept with her on the floor for those first few days so she wouldn't feel lonely, and shared my pillow with her when she got older.

I have been in the US for 7 of Roxy's 11 years. Yet, every time I came home, Roxy behaved like I had never gone away. When I was away, she slept with my parents in their room, but from the day I returned, she ignored everyone else and followed me everywhere. In fact, when my husband & I came to stay with my parents for a couple of days immediately after our wedding, Roxy insisted on sleeping between us, cuddled up with me.

I could go on about Roxy, but I can feel the tears welling up. So all I'll say is - I love you Roxy, Rest in Peace.

OK, onto happier news! I have now got the naughtiest, craziest, loveliest little black lab pup for my parents in Delhi. She was a present from my in-laws when they saw how upset I was at Roxy's death. We've named her Zaara, and Zaara who is all of 10 weeks old, is busy terrorizing the household as I write this. All I can hear are screams and shrieks of "No! No! NO! ZAAAAARAAAAAAA!". She rly is a li'l devil! But more abt Zaara in another post (I will also post her pics when I can).

Other than trying to train Zaara, I've been pretty busy getting acupuncture treatments done. I've being going to Dr. Raman Kapur in Delhi. He had helped lot with my migraines a couple of years ago, so I'm really hoping he can do something abt the chronic fatigue. I'll let you know how it works out.

I'm also back to doing yoga regularly, along with eating lots of healthy fruits and freshly cooked veggies (SO much easier in India where there is domestic help than in the US - esp on days when health is bad). Overall, I am feeling a little better, but I don't know whether it's the acupuncture/yoga or simply the rest and pampering I've been getting in India.

To massage or not to massage?

So, here I am applying Icy-Hot to my excruciatingly painful shoulder muscles, with a heating pad under my calves, trying to write my blog. Why, you wonder? Was I in a accident? Did I fall? Try to overdo things? Well, no...not exactly. Let me tell you the story from the beginning...

The other day my body aches were especially bad (who knows why - just one of those CFS things I guess). I had tried stretching and soaking in a hot bath, but the aches just kept getting worse.

My loving, caring husband couldn't bear to see me in such pain and offered to give me a hot oil massage. Well, there was no way I was turning that offer down.

As soon as we began, I could feel that certain parts of my body were extremely tender - I screamed with pain even when he applied minimal pressure.

"Don't worry," Hubby Dear assured me, "I know exactly what I'm doing." Trustingly, I settled back down only to feel an explosion of pain in the aforementioned tender muscles as he really laid into them.

Once I had established that, against all evidence, Hubby was not trying to murder me (anything that doesn't kill you just makes you stronger!), I tried to understand his explanation. "The more it hurts, the more you need to press down. That's the only way it's going to get better." he assured me earnestly.

Well, I had heard that according to Eastern medicine, tender spots are indicative of an an energy block in the body. In acupressure & acupuncture pressure/needles are placed on these spots to release the blockages and allow the chi (vital energy/life force) to flow uninterrupted through the body. By restoring balance and flow of energy, the body can be healed.

Looking at the glow of sincerity and compassion emanating from Hubby Dear, I couldn't doubt his intentions any further. "No pain, no gain," I muttered, giving myself up to his (not-so) tender ministrations.

To cut a long story short, it has now been two days since that fateful day - two days of intense pain, dire threats from Yours Truly & abject apologies from Hubby - and, while I am still recovering from my "relaxing " hot oil massage, I am finally able to get back to my blog.

MOTTO OF THE STORY: Massage is probably good for you, but it's not supposed to hurt. If it increases your pain instead of helping, STOP!

Click here to learn more about the benefits of massage.

Introspection

OK, it's a new day, new beginning. And I'm over my little sojourn into self pity. So let the good times roll...

But, wait, before we bring out the champagne, I rly want to understand what it is that worries me so when my fatigue gets bad.

After much self-scrutiny and introspection, I have come up with 2 things:

1. Life is passing me by / I am not doing anything worthwhile.

2. Because I am not doing anything, my mind is slowly dying and I'm going to become this vapid creature without a single intelligent thought in her head. I hesitate to use the term 'dumb blonde', especially since I'm not blonde, but you know what I mean...

So, let's address these issues.

Starting with the first, I am going to list all my accomplishments over the past 7 years (big and small) so I can see all that I have achieved since I got CFS:

1. I got married to the most wonderful, caring man.
2. I adopted a rescued dog and am giving her the best life I can.
3. I finished my Masters thesis and got my degree in Communication Management from the Annenberg School for Communication, USC.
4. I have been a Teaching Assistant.
5. I have made a lot of new friends.
6. I have been there for friends who were going through some rough times in life.
7. I have learned yoga.
8. I have taken a teacher training course and am now a certified yoga teacher (I don't teach professionally, but still...)
9. I have decided to start an online business in silverware, and have learned from scratch, everything about buying and selling silver.
10. I have opened an eBay store selling silver items an antique jewelry: Nazraana (meaning 'gift').
11. When I felt I was getting well enough to take up a job, I taught myself Search Engine Marketing (SEM) / Pay-Per-Click (PPC). Unfortunately my health deteriorated again & I wasn't able to work. But I did learn a lot!
12. I am learning how to cope with CFS and am much better now than I was when I first fell ill and was bedridden for months.

Now for point no.2. - the fear that my brain is dying a slow death. Well, here goes:

1. I play games like Scrabble and Sudoku daily to exercise my mind.
2. I read a lot about various topics.
3. I try to write my blog daily.
4. I ask everyone I meet a lot of questions about their work and love to learn things.
5. I manage / do all the calculations etc for my ebay store.

So, I don't think my brain is in immediate danger of complete annihilation.

As I finish this post I realize, and this is my Hallelujah moment, that life doesn't stop. Nor is it completely passing me by.

Maybe I would have accomplished more had I not had CFS. But who is to say that those accomplishments would be worth more than what I have achieved with CFS in the past 7 yrs. Who knows whether I would have made the same friends, or had the same relationships? Or even whether I would be the same person.

Hmmm....something to thnk about...

And, on that note, I am off to sharpen my brain and play some Scrabble on Facebook :)