Sunday, June 26, 2011

M.O.B - 27th June

“Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

~ Upanishads

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The death of 'I'

I have been trying so hard - and for so long - to stay strong. But I can't do it any more.

3 days ago I finally gave up my fight against allopathic medication and started Medrol, a Group A corticosteroid for the inflammation of the muscles and nerves. I no longer know why I put myself through the agony of the Lyrica & Cymbalta withdrawal symptoms, if I simply had to start on such strong medication again.

I feel defeated.

In fact, it's like there is no longer an 'I' left to either be strong or feel defeated. There is just pain and fatigue.

And I'll do just about anything to stop it.

At the very least I tried to stick to the hope that with the steroids, the pain would finally get a little bit better; that after 9 long years, my body would get a break from the agonizing misery....but it hasn't. And that may be the most disappointing thing of all.

The constant dizziness - I don't know whether it's the CFS/FM or the medication that's responsible - has been getting worse to the point where even lying in bed I feel the need to constantly hold onto something so I don't fall.

 I've never wanted to be that person who's always miserable and complaining. I always told myself that even if I can't help being miserable, I can at least not complain.

But since that 'I' no longer exists, I guess I can finally be weak and break down and cry...

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Happy to be me

I'm finally off Cymbalta & Wellbutrin!

Can't believe I actually did it. The past couple of months have been amongst the worst ever. There were days - weeks even - when I felt like instead of bones and muscles and skin, all I was was a mass of unbelievable pain and a deep, never-ending, all-pervading fatigue. I didn't think I could go through the withdrawal.

But I did!

And I'm so proud of myself! :)

Now just 120mg Lyrica to go....