Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Why me?

Today I feel frustrated!

When I started this blog, I promised myself that it was going to be a fun, upbeat blog. But today I just have to rant. So if you are of delicate constitution, you've been given fair warning. You may want to stop reading now.

More than anything in the world, I want to run today. I want that happy exhaustion. Not this overwhelming, never-ending achy fatigue. I want to stretch my muscles and get my heartbeat going. I want to jump and dance and skip for no reason at all. I'm tired of always having to calculate the amount of energy I would waste standing up, or walking across the room, or talking on the phone.

I want to go swimming and horse riding and hiking and dancing.

I just want to be me.

I feel like I've been stuck in an old person's body for the past 7 years. Where did my 20s go? The time I was meant to be full of energy. Instead, a couple of days ago, a lady who was at least in her 60s asked me if I needed help because I wasn't able to walk to my car.

I know I have a lot to be thankful for, and I make sure I keep reminding myself about this. Most days, I believe that I have accepted the CFS, learnt to live with it. But suddenly one day the frustration gets the better of me.

And I just wonder - Why me?


  1. Oh yes! The frustration of it all, the awful loss. There's just so much to accept about this illness. You think you are doing such a good job of acceptance and then realise you are just 'acting as if' you are accepting it and there's a whole new raft of denial to work through. Pah!

    What did people with CFS do before the Internet?

    Thanks for your blog, makes me smile :-)

  2. Yes, yes...we all have these days. No need to apologize for the occasional rant! And it is so funny (not funny ha ha but funny weird) that you and I both posted the same yearning for exercise on the same day! Your words echo exactly how I feel - that fervent desire to move freely again, without restrictions. Like you, I try to stay upbeat and focus on what's good, but we also do sometimes just need to mourn what we've lost, too.

    I thought I was going grocery shopping this morning, but by 9 am, I started to feel a lot worse. I'm trying to focus on the positive, though - going to put down the laptop in a few minutes, cuddle up on the couch with a blanket and a book, and embrace a day of rest.

    Thanks for your blog (and for visiting mine)!


  3. See I am leaving a comment. BTW, you missed blogging on tuesday. Hope you will better today. I will see you on saturday. That should cheer you up!

  4. Thanks for visiting, and for your comments. I feel better just knowing that someone actually reads my blog.

    Jozephine, I'm glad the blog made you smile - that was the main reason I started writing it.

  5. We all need to rant once in a while. It's very frustrating when we're not able to do what our mind wishes we could do. I love your blog... it's reassuring to see that others feel the same way that we do. I've had CFS for 8 years, and no matter how well I accept it, I still wish I could do more. Thanks for sharing your thoughts ~Pam :)